it's just a GOD DAMN DAY!
Ok, maybe it's just not my day.
Today, I need to have duty during the assembly
and today's assembly was going to give way the “Collection of Oustanding Artworks for the year 2014"
and I'm one of the students who get the books ( so today should be a happy day for me but it seems not )
Every students can get two same books
so that they can keep one themselves for commemorate
and give the another one to those they want to
At first, I've thought of giving the other one to him
but I didn't, in the end, although I really wanted to,
cause I'm really afraid that he would give a cold-shoulder towards it
then I gave it to one of my best friend.
------
First recess time,
I went to the JE Center again, not purposely,
but my English teacher made me to see him
( he was missing during that time, however, hence, my energy was wasted == )
then I saw him,
Ok, it's normal, cause I know he "worked" there.
He knocked his head towards me when he saw me, and that's all, not even a smile,
but I still tried my best to give him a "swallow" smile
------
Owwwwwwww nearly forgotten
I must say this!
Today, he wore his specs to school
I always think that he looks really good wearing his specs
It really suit him, and he looked decent and more handsome with it.
Just soooooooooooo cute OMG!
Feel like falling in love with him, again. xD
------
Okay, everything went on as usual, when I thought it would be an ordinary day, it comes after school
After finishing my English lesson, it was after school time
then my best friend, she was hesitating if she want to give me something, finally she did.
It's what he made her to give it to me
the Valentine's present that I've put in some efforts
ok, it's heart bleeding feel
and I, almost cry, I just shouted out,
"Is it a must for him to do this?!"
I don't know if everyone in the canteen were looking at me
I just don't care!
my heart was like being teared apart
You know how it feels, I bet you know. Just imagine,
.
.
.
As I really had no mood to walk a far distance
I chose to take my best friend's school bus to Viva Mall
even if I'm still having the "shadow aspect" of the dogs there
but I know, I need to be brave.
On the bus, I've had an idea.
After arriving Viva Mall,
I went to the Starbucks, bought a cup of Green Tea Cream,
identically with the last time I went home from here, with him, of course.
Then I walked home, lonely, by walking the same road,
not planning to detour because of those dogs which chased us before that
I still remembered, that moment when the dogs kept following us and kept barking
I was totally shocked during that moment and I can't walk, not even a step
my legs were like being stuck on the floor
What's happened next?
He's my hero.
He's the one who held my hand and walked with me,
and luckily the dogs didn't bite us.
He saved me, maybe, I think so.
By that time, I know, no matter what the situation is,
he will ( not sure if I need to use the word 'would' ) always be there for me,
putting me at the first priority, protect me,
even if he was afraid too.
[Cause he is very very very very very afraid of dog(s)]
After that day, I was much more falling for him.
But today, I want to face it myself, cause I know I need to.
I walked along the same road
By the time, I felt like I'm not growing that much
cause I really felt algetic, I was hoping the dogs to come out and bite me maybe,
or hitting by a car, whatever, I wanted to release my stress,
even if I knew this kind of opinion was totally a mess and it was not mature enough.
So, LUCKILY, nothing happened, I'm safe.
Actually, I don't even know what I want, to walk along the same road I once walked with him before
To recall the memories? Maybe.
or to make my heart even more painful, for me to leave, for me to give up? Maybe, as well.
Accept for those sweetest memories, and sadness, I think I got NOTHING.
Even, I can see us, walking along together,
it was a rainy day,
and he was holding an umbrella for me,
half of his body became wet.
And, I, as a girlfriend,
I was holding the cup of Starbucks for him to drink,
it was a hard job for me as he was soooooooooooo tall
or maybe I'm short, hmmmmmmmm...
I should feel sweet, shouldn't I?
but I totally didn't.
All I felt was, PITY,
TOO PITY that we can't get together again.
Why? Why did he need to do this?
Shall we be like this?
I don't know.
Maybe it's just a mistery.
------
When I was sitting at my best friend's school bus
actually I did whatsapp him
asking him why did he returning the "present" to me.
However, his reply was late, as usual ( or maybe not 'usual' )
he said, it's the same thing as I returned his photo back
BUT! I didn't mean that, I swear.
I just not sure if I still have the right to keep that
and, I just want to let 'it' go to see if 'it' will be coming back to my side,
to see if it was mine.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
Then, he said,
"I'm not your boyfriend anymore, give it to your next one"
Next one?
How could I have a "next one"?
All I want is just HIM,
ONLY.
I really felt that it's too over,
and I started to get mad.
He called me to give it to the next one? How can it be?
AND, does it simply means that HE LIED ME?
He said he loves me, he said it, he did!
He said that he can still be my last one,it's just not now, not this timing, it's what he said!
See, in this situation,
I really don't know how can I calm myself down.
Then I simply "explained" to him
when I don't even feel like it's useful, but I still did.
I really don't want to lose him. I want him to be in my life, always.
However, he BLUE-TICKED me.
Yes, he did.
I'm too disappointed on him today!
My heart is DYING.
I felt like giving up.
Actually, I told myself, on the school bus,
"If today I get home safely, I'm going to give up"
But I really can't make this decision
Now, I'm trying my best,
for not caring about what's happened in the past
not the future instead.
Cause the only day I can make a change is TODAY.
The past is just a bridge, the future is unpredictable.
Today, I failed.
I was a failure.
I'm so sorry to those who loves me.
I will be strong! Be tougher! Be brave!
and as what the movie, < Cinderella >, said,
Have Courage. Be kind.
Don't worry about me,
one day I will be completely fine.
I need to reform right now
or maybe REBORN.
Please look forward to the BETTER ME.
Good luck to him,
Good luck to me.
20/04/2015
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