Day 4 : I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, I rather bear it myself.

Today, the 4th day

I'm totally suffering.

It's the prize giving ceremony for PMR & SPM

giving prize to those who get 5As or above in the both exam

and prizes given by other organization

Students who were going to receive the prize

their parents had been invited to school to watch the ceremony

And, I stepped onto the stage of this ceremony once, in year 2013, when I was in Senior 1, taking my prize by getting 5As in PMR examination

my parent came, of course,

they always proud of my result.

I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be happy.

But, I failed.

because I didn't take my Mandarin exam in SPM as I went to Taiwan

so I only sit for 6 subjects

then I got 4As in my SPM

not because my subjects are lesser

it's because that incident, it affected my mood when I was preparing my exam

so I accidentally got a B1 for my Sejarah

then I've submitted my form to the government to appeal for my Sejarah's result

I hope there's miracle

and my parent totally support me, as always.

I'm still worrying about the result

I really don't want to waste their RM100 and get nothing change but I'm not sure if I did my Sejarah good @@

What if I fail again? Then disappointing my parent again? Disappointing myself again?

What if I success? So what? I still can't get onto the stage anymore.

I'm soooooooooo confused.

In the whole incident, I'm totally regret, for not staying strong and easily been affected by the others

It's my own problem and I know it. I can't blame anyone.

But, I hate him, still.

He's the one who ruined my result, he's the one who get me down for the stage. He's the one.

I know that I'm not suppose to have these opinions,

but how?

He's not a responsible guy, I swear.

The girl being with him now, I hope you'll never get him trouble, otherwise he'll show you how much responsibility he has, to settle down problems. Good luck to you.

Ok, back to topic,

due to the above reasons,

when it comes the prize giving ceremony, today,

it really does torment me. I'm fully suffering from it.

And what's more?

I still need to duty during the ceremony!!

AND! He's the person in charged of the duty!!

So, I'm just like... WTF!!

I should be the one who get onto the stage, but now, I can only watching the others getting the prize

One step, only one little step, then I can step onto the stage again, my parent will be proud of me more, and he ruined everything. He ruined me.

And now, he still want me to duty during the ceremony, 

all I can say is that "Hey, you are such a bitch!"

Moreover!

Few days ago he saw that I wore slippers to school,

my ankle was sprained and my leg was wrapping by bandage

HE KNEW IT!

then he still arrange a post, which can't rest and need to stand for whole 3 hours, for me.

What the hell problem are you having huh?

and even worse, I don't think that he is suitable to be a person in charge

cause I really don't feel like he has explained clearly for the whole duty

such SHIT!

Then, I got no choice and I need to stand for 3 hours

while he, himself, sitting behind, ONLY.

Cause I still need to lead the "VIP" to get on and off the stage

so I even need to walk fast

but the main point is that, my leg still haven't get well wholy yet!!

So, what can I do?

I chose to stress my leg walking faster without bothering the painful feeling

Hence, everyone can imagine,

how's my leg gonna be, after the ceremony end.

My tears almost burst out due to my pain

my leg got totally no energy and no feel in the end,

even a step is that difficult for me.

How can I torture for the whole 3 hours?

I don't know.

I thought of giving up also, many times.

But I kept telling myself,

if I can pass through these,

definitely I can pass through my hardships facing in life,

and everything's gonna be better.

So, that's it.

Standing in front of the stage,

I can see him (of course, not the one again, this refers to the one I love haha)  also, sometimes,

every time when I saw him, I told myself,

I need to be strong, for me and for him.

He's my motivation.

Therefore, suffering from my regret, suffering because of my leg, and so on...

makes my day worse like shit!

------

Then, finally the ceremony passed,

everything went on normally,

lunch time - co-curricular time ( today is the day to capture photo for Prefectorial so I hardly "crawled" the the photo capturing place, another suffer for today @@) - after school.

After school,

I gave the exam notes that I prepaid to him

with his photos and a long letter

I know that he won't reply me and maybe even won't have any feeling towards it

but I still did it, cause I'm really afraid that the "accident" will happen

I need to tell the truth, I don't want myself to regret in the future.
I know, it's the last time I bother him,

cause I have already no courage.

then, from his expression, I can't get what was he thinking about

He even made my friend to give my file back to me after that

cause I put all those things in a transparent file

Why need to be like this? Idk.

Then when I was waiting my dad to come at the Shell Petrol Station

I saw him, at the opposite,

walking towards Pudu LRT Station's direction with his friends

I think, I can only watch him from far far away, like this, in the future.

It really made me sad.

Should us be like this?

------

Another little story, happened after school also

when I sit on the staircase outside Prefectorial Room

because my leg was pain and I felt lazy to walk,

his younger sister and her friend walking towards me.

Her friend said something to her in front of me,

saying that "Your brother's girlfriend....."

and then she repeated it again also, calling me "my brother's girlfriend"

.

.

.

That moment,

I know I should tell her that, "Sorry, I'm not (anymore)."

but I didn't.
I don't have the courage to tell it out

I really don't willing to say this.

Please, I still looking forward to the day, when I don't need to tell this, don't need to worry about how to answer "these" anymore

cause we are being together, as usual, as what the others know.

Owwww please, please bring me that day/

:(

------

Ok, focal point for today, 

here I go.

When I went back home,

I tweeted a tweet on twitter about a guy who treat me good enough, cause we are best friend, pure best friend, everyone knows.

Afterwards I think of this, "Will he be jealous?"

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Actually I know, even before I tweeted it,

he may get jealous 

and after I tweeted it, our relationship may be worsen.

But why still I tweet it?

Throw back to the day when he broken up with me, he is that sad,

but neither I dropped a drop of tears

I even told him to be happy, personally, and also on social network publicly.

Why?

1st reason : I really want him to be happy.  <-- div="" important="" most="" point="">

2nd reason : I want his friends, or even anyone, think that I'm the one who broke up with him

Again, why?

I still remembered that, he tweeted a tweet that night,

and it's about,

he knew that he was going to be seen as a villain, a bad person.

And, I don't want this to happen,

cause I know how worse the feeling is, to be misunderstood by others, saying that I'm a bad person

Once, I'm really depress about it and I really don't want to be a bad person in others' sight

but at that moment,

I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, so I rather bear it myself.

In their opinion, I'm always a bad girl, so please continue,

don't make him as a bad person,

one bad person is enough, for a relationship.

So, I even don't dare to post some "deeply sad" tweet 

I tried to make my posts seem happy

like I'm ok even breaking up with him

like I'm the one who hurt him

and, for today's tweet

at first I only want to say that I'm touched

but then i thought of, it can also make some of the peoples think that I'm not a loyal girl

then just loathes me.

It's non of his business. It's me.

I don't want him to suffer from unbearable words.

It's unfair.

I love him,

I don't want him to suffer.

So, 

God,

please be good to him,

no matter how you treat me, I have no grumble.

Best wishes, for you,

18/04/2015