突然察觉
原来距离上一篇已经过了刚好一个月
原来... 真的这么久了
这段日子
我曾以为我做到了 放下了
也曾觉得 我是不是也恨他?
恨他的无情吗? 恨他的冷漠吗?
而更多的 应该是 不服
我不服气 为什么分开以后就什么都不是了
为什么要把过去的美好都盖过 难道就真的什么都不是吗 我真的很疑惑
我不服 凭什么 明明大家都深爱过却在分开后你一点感觉都没有过得这么快乐
不是我不希望你快乐 而是... 为什么你竟会没有一丁点的难过 是我真的不明白
我不服气 我告诉自己 我要强大起来
我开始去用你对我的方式去对你
演得我筋疲力尽 演得我很想退出你的世界 我不想再在你的眼前出现了
我不想记得了 我什么都不想记得了
我只想 好好地 过新的生活
甚至 愿意用一切去交换
可 当我已经累得麻木的时候
那个晚上 你说的话...
我知道你并不是给我什么希望
我也不抱什么希望
只是想你也可以知道我一直一直很努力 仅此而已
可是之后呢?
在又多少天之后
有人跟我说 好像 就只是好像 看到你牵着其他女孩的手
我的第一个念头就是 不可能一定不可能
你不会骗我 你一定不会骗我 你没有必要骗我
可是脑海里却终究没有办法停下那无止境的思绪
知道吗 这种感觉比分后的时候还来得痛
从来 都没有在分手后有过这么深刻的感觉 这么纠结 这么揪心...
每当我想起你曾牵过我 我就无法接受你牵其他女生
很自私... 或许真的很自私...
我在想 如果当晚你不曾跟我说过那番话
我此时此刻的感受还会这么这么深刻吗? 或许不会吧
可现在的我 却还是犯了一样的毛病
因为你的一句话而想得天花乱坠
今天一直在回想自己到底有没有做错什么可是真的想不出来
我猜 或许不是我吧
可是... 那种害怕的感觉
害怕我握得紧紧在手不愿松开的却又有人硬生生把我手掌摊开抢走的感觉
可我明知道 不是我的啊 却还是好怕好怕
华教故事课
我终于体会到那一句话
“只要从远处望上一眼 就心满意足了”
真的心满意足了
我想 今天开始
就当作当晚你没告诉过我那番话吧
就让日子回到以前一样的规律吧
宁可竭力演下去 也不愿接受 不愿眼看着你牵其他女孩的手
而却依旧是我最初的梦想
我不要了 我什么都不要了
你告诉我 你恨我 吧
如果不能回到很美好的从前
请你恨我吧
我不想再让自己痛着等希望了
我快做不到了
或许 我的所谓成长 真的不过如此...
26/05/2015
5.26.2015
4.26.2015
Day 12 : Everyone have stories. When trust and honesty were gone, love was also defeated.
第 12 天
果然是 time flies...
或许是星期日在家真的是太过无所事事
今天的思绪特别复杂
我想，有些情绪也只有用华文才有适合的字眼说的明白
今天 真的是回忆不断浮现的日子
混混杂杂地 要怎么去避免 怎么去阻止?
我又想起了他的那封信息 那些难听的字眼 从没想过而又令人畏惧得想避而远之的语气
他说 我又何尝做到了坦诚
可是我想我真的做到了
为什么他就这么不信任我吗?
我想 跟他一起 我跟别人说起最多的一句话就是 “我不想骗他”了
连分开以后
那张照片遗失的那一天 在大家都不知情却又想要安慰我的情况下
有人说 “他不会骂你的啦”
当下我还在心里想 “我知道他不会骂我 无论什么情况他都不会骂我的”
可是...
也有人说 “你跟他讲 xxxx.... 啦”
我当下的回答就是 “我不想骗他 我不要骗他”
我想 我真的有做到的
除了我的过去的故事依然没有机会完全娓娓道出之外
我真的做到了的
请你相信我。
然后 我想起了 “信任” 这个词
信任究竟是什么?
我想 我对他也有足够的信任
当他信誓旦旦告诉我我是他的初恋的时候
也有好多人信誓旦旦告诉过我他还有前任
其实我并不介意他有没有前任
因为我很清楚 每个人都有过去 可能不堪回首 可能真的不完美
我自己的就是个例子
但是至少我希望他对我坦诚 就像我怎么待他一样
重点是 至少不要欺骗我
所以我也曾想过要质问 也曾怀疑过
记得就是在团拜的那一天 差点就压不住自己的脾气过
可是最后还是压了下来
我选择了相信他
因为我觉得 没有人会比我了解他 没有人会比我懂他
这大概就是一段关系最重要的元素
然而
当坦诚和信任都被击败了
我想 爱也终将会溃不成军。
之后 我又想起了 我跟他说过我生命里的一个故事
大概就是我生命里最重要最影响我现在的故事之一
可是终究没有挽回什么
我想 没能完全了解我的过去的人
大概也不会有办法接受我的现在。
我不敢说我的人生很崎岖很难过
因为我知道我还是很幸福的
我知道比起世界上每个角落很多的人 我的故事还是很微不足道很平凡的
可要是他一个一个故事去了解
他是否就会靠近我的心多一点点
是否就会心疼我多一点点
是否就能体谅我多一点点
是否就能再重新开始一次 多爱护我一点点?
我相信 每个故事 都是他难以想象的故事。
这些故事 改变着我的人生 我的现在
我的过去 我的家庭教育 我的阴影 我的放不下...
为什么他从不曾想过要好好了解 然后就先判定我?
这对我真的足够公平吗?
我想 我大概很难说明白这些故事
最多也只能说个大概
我常常说 长大后我不想要有孩子 最大的因素不是因为我怕痛
而是源自于我的家庭教育 我不想我的孩子经历我不喜欢的经历
因为我爸爸的脾气 性格
我从小对他的畏惧和阴影
就如以量老师说的一样 我已经渐渐有他的影子
我有他的脾气
可是我小时候是多么的畏惧他 多么的不喜欢他 甚至讨厌他
你是否能够想象 一个5、6岁的孩子就有强烈离家出走的念头?
你是否感觉得到 其实那是那么恐怖的一件事?
我一直没有离开只是因为家里 有一个一直可以保护我的人 我婆婆
然后这就造就了为什么她的离开以后我的生活没有了重心
然后....搞砸了我们...
其实 真的是环环相扣的
你是否能够想象 一个才几岁的孩子
因为生病发高烧 而在车上呕吐 弄脏了车子
而被盖了两巴掌
我说起这件事 只是一个例子
现在我并不厌恶我爸爸 因为长大了总会感受到他的爱的 也许只是方式错了
可是阴影一直还在 这也是我无法改变的无奈
我跟他的关系从小就不好
直到现在即使有好转我对他的也是足够的敬畏
畏惧他的打骂
你又是否能够想象 12岁的孩子被困在家里的木门外 铁门之内
走不得 归不得
直到半夜的那种感觉?
夜的寒冷、黑暗
还有自己一个人 寂静、空无一人的走廊
这就是为什么我更加害怕一个人
你又是否能想象
当一个女孩失去至亲的时候 一滴眼泪都没流的表面坚强和内心的痛?
你是否能够想象 当我失去她之后
我跟我爸爸最严重的一次吵架
他一巴一巴盖下来 大概不下30巴掌
的那种表面倔强 心里的恐惧?
你是否能想象
当一个仅仅13岁的女孩
还没看清世界 难得的出街就遇到坏人
险些就被性骚扰的恐惧?
然后回家还绝口不提提心吊胆怕被骂的无助?
你是否能想象
14岁就遇到自己身边的人性骚扰的可怕和无助?
你是否也可以感觉到世界的黑暗?
连身边的人也不可信任
是一个14岁的女孩所能够明白和了解并承受的吗?
你又是否能想象
当我步行回家 遇到一次一次的被调戏
甚至被一大班男生围着的惧怕?
只是这些过去我可以不以为然地道出
可难道你真的觉得我就没有一点的害怕没有一点的阴影吗
这些就是为什么我需要你的原因阿
除了她的离开之外
还有很多的因素 你从不曾了解
我有太多太多的过去
不是一般女孩会经历的过去
或许有点微不足道 但是加起来足够让我惧怕的了
并不是我没有想过要告诉你
只是没有一个适合的时机
我对你的依赖
只是希望你可以保护着我
难道我真的错了吗 错得这么离谱吗?
如果你现在知道这些
你是否又会原谅我
是否会多心疼我一点点
是否会作未来日子里保护我的那一个?
不是我不想告诉你
而是我已经没机会了
即使我多么想重来 这些话从我嘴里说出也只会是做作罢了
没有人能够帮我 你是否能感觉到我的无助?
我想 每个人都有太多的故事
或许这就是为什么你无法接受现在的我。
但，还是请你原谅我的不完美
好吗?
26/04/2015
果然是 time flies...
或许是星期日在家真的是太过无所事事
今天的思绪特别复杂
我想，有些情绪也只有用华文才有适合的字眼说的明白
今天 真的是回忆不断浮现的日子
混混杂杂地 要怎么去避免 怎么去阻止?
我又想起了他的那封信息 那些难听的字眼 从没想过而又令人畏惧得想避而远之的语气
他说 我又何尝做到了坦诚
可是我想我真的做到了
为什么他就这么不信任我吗?
我想 跟他一起 我跟别人说起最多的一句话就是 “我不想骗他”了
连分开以后
那张照片遗失的那一天 在大家都不知情却又想要安慰我的情况下
有人说 “他不会骂你的啦”
当下我还在心里想 “我知道他不会骂我 无论什么情况他都不会骂我的”
可是...
也有人说 “你跟他讲 xxxx.... 啦”
我当下的回答就是 “我不想骗他 我不要骗他”
我想 我真的有做到的
除了我的过去的故事依然没有机会完全娓娓道出之外
我真的做到了的
请你相信我。
然后 我想起了 “信任” 这个词
信任究竟是什么?
我想 我对他也有足够的信任
当他信誓旦旦告诉我我是他的初恋的时候
也有好多人信誓旦旦告诉过我他还有前任
其实我并不介意他有没有前任
因为我很清楚 每个人都有过去 可能不堪回首 可能真的不完美
我自己的就是个例子
但是至少我希望他对我坦诚 就像我怎么待他一样
重点是 至少不要欺骗我
所以我也曾想过要质问 也曾怀疑过
记得就是在团拜的那一天 差点就压不住自己的脾气过
可是最后还是压了下来
我选择了相信他
因为我觉得 没有人会比我了解他 没有人会比我懂他
这大概就是一段关系最重要的元素
然而
当坦诚和信任都被击败了
我想 爱也终将会溃不成军。
之后 我又想起了 我跟他说过我生命里的一个故事
大概就是我生命里最重要最影响我现在的故事之一
可是终究没有挽回什么
我想 没能完全了解我的过去的人
大概也不会有办法接受我的现在。
我不敢说我的人生很崎岖很难过
因为我知道我还是很幸福的
我知道比起世界上每个角落很多的人 我的故事还是很微不足道很平凡的
可要是他一个一个故事去了解
他是否就会靠近我的心多一点点
是否就会心疼我多一点点
是否就能体谅我多一点点
是否就能再重新开始一次 多爱护我一点点?
我相信 每个故事 都是他难以想象的故事。
这些故事 改变着我的人生 我的现在
我的过去 我的家庭教育 我的阴影 我的放不下...
为什么他从不曾想过要好好了解 然后就先判定我?
这对我真的足够公平吗?
我想 我大概很难说明白这些故事
最多也只能说个大概
我常常说 长大后我不想要有孩子 最大的因素不是因为我怕痛
而是源自于我的家庭教育 我不想我的孩子经历我不喜欢的经历
因为我爸爸的脾气 性格
我从小对他的畏惧和阴影
就如以量老师说的一样 我已经渐渐有他的影子
我有他的脾气
可是我小时候是多么的畏惧他 多么的不喜欢他 甚至讨厌他
你是否能够想象 一个5、6岁的孩子就有强烈离家出走的念头?
你是否感觉得到 其实那是那么恐怖的一件事?
我一直没有离开只是因为家里 有一个一直可以保护我的人 我婆婆
然后这就造就了为什么她的离开以后我的生活没有了重心
然后....搞砸了我们...
其实 真的是环环相扣的
你是否能够想象 一个才几岁的孩子
因为生病发高烧 而在车上呕吐 弄脏了车子
而被盖了两巴掌
我说起这件事 只是一个例子
现在我并不厌恶我爸爸 因为长大了总会感受到他的爱的 也许只是方式错了
可是阴影一直还在 这也是我无法改变的无奈
我跟他的关系从小就不好
直到现在即使有好转我对他的也是足够的敬畏
畏惧他的打骂
你又是否能够想象 12岁的孩子被困在家里的木门外 铁门之内
走不得 归不得
直到半夜的那种感觉?
夜的寒冷、黑暗
还有自己一个人 寂静、空无一人的走廊
这就是为什么我更加害怕一个人
你又是否能想象
当一个女孩失去至亲的时候 一滴眼泪都没流的表面坚强和内心的痛?
你是否能够想象 当我失去她之后
我跟我爸爸最严重的一次吵架
他一巴一巴盖下来 大概不下30巴掌
的那种表面倔强 心里的恐惧?
你是否能想象
当一个仅仅13岁的女孩
还没看清世界 难得的出街就遇到坏人
险些就被性骚扰的恐惧?
然后回家还绝口不提提心吊胆怕被骂的无助?
你是否能想象
14岁就遇到自己身边的人性骚扰的可怕和无助?
你是否也可以感觉到世界的黑暗?
连身边的人也不可信任
是一个14岁的女孩所能够明白和了解并承受的吗?
你又是否能想象
当我步行回家 遇到一次一次的被调戏
甚至被一大班男生围着的惧怕?
只是这些过去我可以不以为然地道出
可难道你真的觉得我就没有一点的害怕没有一点的阴影吗
这些就是为什么我需要你的原因阿
除了她的离开之外
还有很多的因素 你从不曾了解
我有太多太多的过去
不是一般女孩会经历的过去
或许有点微不足道 但是加起来足够让我惧怕的了
并不是我没有想过要告诉你
只是没有一个适合的时机
我对你的依赖
只是希望你可以保护着我
难道我真的错了吗 错得这么离谱吗?
如果你现在知道这些
你是否又会原谅我
是否会多心疼我一点点
是否会作未来日子里保护我的那一个?
不是我不想告诉你
而是我已经没机会了
即使我多么想重来 这些话从我嘴里说出也只会是做作罢了
没有人能够帮我 你是否能感觉到我的无助?
我想 每个人都有太多的故事
或许这就是为什么你无法接受现在的我。
但，还是请你原谅我的不完美
好吗?
26/04/2015
Day 11 : Just afraid of changes
Day 11..
Today is an ordinary day
at first, I thought.
But when it comes co-curricular times
I think it's not again.
Today's activity after lunch was explanation and practice for spot check
then when explanation by the in charged committee was going on
I sat beside my team's co-leader at first
( she is the girl who I once always jealous on because she always got close with him )
then I changed my place to my friend's side
she was one of the prefectorial's committee member who was going to act as a "problem student" during the practice time
I changed my place because I saw that she was alone
so I just went on and chat with her
Sitting in front of her was another committee member who has the same "mission" with her also
Then the place in front of me was empty, at first.
After a short period of time gone,
he came in the classroom and he sat in front of me
but I think nothing during that moment
until I dimly heard that the one sat beside him ask
"Do you want to switch place?"
and I think he purposely answered loudly :"No need!"
I'm not sure if this "scene" happened or it's just my "hallucination" or "imagination"
but I really got mad during that moment
as I think his answer and his tone of answering the question was TOO RUDE
and IMPOLITE, as well.
So, I really want to switch my place again
no matter I need to sit alone, SO WHAT?!
But then, because of the explanation was still going on
so I just don't want to made myself a focus point for everyone.
Finally, the explanation time finished and it came the practice time
we are ordered to move the tables aside
and sit around the three committee members ( he was included )
to make sure we can look clearly during the practice
then I sit at row 2 to avoid getting near to him
Then, 8 prefects was chosen to get involve in the practice
luckily I'm not the one of them
and the mission of those 3 committee members was to make things difficult for the prefects
to show us the ways solving problems during real spot check.
Then, when a prefect who I think she was just a "newbie" checked him
he made some troubles for her
and she was too nervous as she has made many mistakes
then he even "scolded" her loudly
maybe it's a hint for her on how to do it rightly
I don't know
and I knew, he was just acting
it's his mission
But during that moment,
when he "scolded" her loudly, and it's seemed like an argument
I just felt that I want to cover my ears up
I thought back of that rude message from him
even he already apologized for it
but the shadow aspect was still there
and I thought back of how we got into arguments before
I really dislike the way we argue, or even, I'm scare about it
So, when the similar situation happened,
I just not wanting to face it.
I dislike, I hate, I scare,
the ways how he being rude
the ways how we argue
the ways how we be like enemy or stranger
the ways how our relationship changes
I'm just afraid of changes.
I just want back the relationship how we used to be.
Please.
Dear God,
can you please don't changes him,
don't changes us?
25/04/2015
Today is an ordinary day
at first, I thought.
But when it comes co-curricular times
I think it's not again.
Today's activity after lunch was explanation and practice for spot check
then when explanation by the in charged committee was going on
I sat beside my team's co-leader at first
( she is the girl who I once always jealous on because she always got close with him )
then I changed my place to my friend's side
she was one of the prefectorial's committee member who was going to act as a "problem student" during the practice time
I changed my place because I saw that she was alone
so I just went on and chat with her
Sitting in front of her was another committee member who has the same "mission" with her also
Then the place in front of me was empty, at first.
After a short period of time gone,
he came in the classroom and he sat in front of me
but I think nothing during that moment
until I dimly heard that the one sat beside him ask
"Do you want to switch place?"
and I think he purposely answered loudly :"No need!"
I'm not sure if this "scene" happened or it's just my "hallucination" or "imagination"
but I really got mad during that moment
as I think his answer and his tone of answering the question was TOO RUDE
and IMPOLITE, as well.
So, I really want to switch my place again
no matter I need to sit alone, SO WHAT?!
But then, because of the explanation was still going on
so I just don't want to made myself a focus point for everyone.
Finally, the explanation time finished and it came the practice time
we are ordered to move the tables aside
and sit around the three committee members ( he was included )
to make sure we can look clearly during the practice
then I sit at row 2 to avoid getting near to him
Then, 8 prefects was chosen to get involve in the practice
luckily I'm not the one of them
and the mission of those 3 committee members was to make things difficult for the prefects
to show us the ways solving problems during real spot check.
Then, when a prefect who I think she was just a "newbie" checked him
he made some troubles for her
and she was too nervous as she has made many mistakes
then he even "scolded" her loudly
maybe it's a hint for her on how to do it rightly
I don't know
and I knew, he was just acting
it's his mission
But during that moment,
when he "scolded" her loudly, and it's seemed like an argument
I just felt that I want to cover my ears up
I thought back of that rude message from him
even he already apologized for it
but the shadow aspect was still there
and I thought back of how we got into arguments before
I really dislike the way we argue, or even, I'm scare about it
So, when the similar situation happened,
I just not wanting to face it.
I dislike, I hate, I scare,
the ways how he being rude
the ways how we argue
the ways how we be like enemy or stranger
the ways how our relationship changes
I'm just afraid of changes.
I just want back the relationship how we used to be.
Please.
Dear God,
can you please don't changes him,
don't changes us?
25/04/2015
4.24.2015
Day 10 : Everyone needs someone.
Day 10...
Nothing much happened by today,
don't know if it is good or bad...
For these few days,
I tried to draw my emotion out
But since my drawing skill is not that good
so it can't considered succeed
but at least I tried my best and I think my drawings can still reflect my current mood while I was drawing
Even, I tried to write calligraphy
although I have not written it for a long time
I found that it's really a good way to calm myself down
even I can't write well
but I still fallen in love with it!
And today, I found that I've already changed a lot
Today, after I finished my duty of cleaning the windows,
I walked to Pudu with one of my bestie
We planned to go KFC for "high tea"
When we were on our way,
I saw a aunty, pulling a trolley, wanting to get up to a little staircase
then I asked her :"Do you need my help?"
The aunty smiled at me then, shaking her head.
My action shocked my bestie
not only her, me either.
Before that, even when I met someone who needs help and I really felt like wanting to help
but I still don't know how to say it out and don't know how to take the initiative
and I missed many opportunities of helping others.
I think, this kind of situation goes to many people as well.
We just don't have the courage to take the initiative.
But, actually, I don't know what changes me as well
Maybe just because I can totally understand the feeling of helpless
by then I know, we should always lend our helping hand to those who needs help
Cause everyone needs someone by their side
These days, sometimes I felt helpless too
but no one can help me, I know
It's just too complicated
so I go and lend my helping hand to the others who needs it
I think this is the only things I can do
Not for him, and not for me though.
I just want to be a better one,
but not for the others to praise me
I just want to be better, cause everyone needs improvement in life.
But, still, I hope that he can see my changes, knowing that I have became more better, of course.
He's my motivation,
so that I can chase perfection continuously
and became a little better than 'yesterday' by 'today'.
24/04/2015
Nothing much happened by today,
don't know if it is good or bad...
For these few days,
I tried to draw my emotion out
But since my drawing skill is not that good
so it can't considered succeed
but at least I tried my best and I think my drawings can still reflect my current mood while I was drawing
Even, I tried to write calligraphy
although I have not written it for a long time
I found that it's really a good way to calm myself down
even I can't write well
but I still fallen in love with it!
And today, I found that I've already changed a lot
Today, after I finished my duty of cleaning the windows,
I walked to Pudu with one of my bestie
We planned to go KFC for "high tea"
When we were on our way,
I saw a aunty, pulling a trolley, wanting to get up to a little staircase
then I asked her :"Do you need my help?"
The aunty smiled at me then, shaking her head.
My action shocked my bestie
not only her, me either.
Before that, even when I met someone who needs help and I really felt like wanting to help
but I still don't know how to say it out and don't know how to take the initiative
and I missed many opportunities of helping others.
I think, this kind of situation goes to many people as well.
We just don't have the courage to take the initiative.
But, actually, I don't know what changes me as well
Maybe just because I can totally understand the feeling of helpless
by then I know, we should always lend our helping hand to those who needs help
Cause everyone needs someone by their side
These days, sometimes I felt helpless too
but no one can help me, I know
It's just too complicated
so I go and lend my helping hand to the others who needs it
I think this is the only things I can do
Not for him, and not for me though.
I just want to be a better one,
but not for the others to praise me
I just want to be better, cause everyone needs improvement in life.
But, still, I hope that he can see my changes, knowing that I have became more better, of course.
He's my motivation,
so that I can chase perfection continuously
and became a little better than 'yesterday' by 'today'.
24/04/2015
Day 9 : Can you please see me from the other angle, know me from the other side, re-definite me, be proud of me, and love me like how you used to be?
It comes Day 9...
I think I'm safe, from my nightmare, lol
But I will still be careful
cause we really won't know what will be happening next second
Okay, back to topic.
Today, it's Thursday,
and it's the day my school was going to hold a "mini concert" by class S3S2
The mini concert entitled "Dreamworks"
and our school's astro team, we named it as "Topteam" would be going to do shooting and video recording as well
I had been looking forward to this day for a long time
as I was really interested in the little concert, because the title really does attracted me
and I was also awaiting for the shooting activity as well
So....finally today comes
but I was failed to go for the shooting...
It is because I have had an argument with my dad
then he didn't let me to go for it
It made me felt truly pity :(
Actually, I'm not 100% dedicate on this activity
But what's most important is that...THE SHOOTING ACTIVITY!!
Even I'm not the anchor for this time
and maybe sometimes I don't feel like wanna do it
but I still care, VERY MUCH!!
It's because,
this is the only thing he will always approve me on
How many secondary school students can learn these professional shooting skills and stand in front of the camera as an anchor?
How many secondary school students have this opportunity?
I know, I know that he will always approve me on this
Even I'm totally failed, or else, sucks,
this is the only thing he must not deny and approve on it
and agreeing that I am still a nice one from the other angle
But, I failed.
The only thing I did today,
was just that,
I carried on the professional video camera on my shoulder and recorded something (useless things lol )
and my friends had taken some photos of me when I was carrying the video camera
I love those photos soooooooooooooo much!
I looked professional in those photos.
and, I hope that he can see it
I hope that he can see how professional am I in this area
The only thing I want him to know is that,
No one is perfect, everyone has their imperfections,
the more we know about each other, the more imperfections would be found
Somehow, we can just find a way to be tolerate
Everyone will have their merit one as well
sometimes we just need to change our point of view and try to see the good one
There is no perfection in reality,
but perfection will always exist as our eye-sight changes.
So, my beloved one,
Can you please see me from the other angle,
know me from the other side,
then, re-definite me, be proud of me,
and,
love me like how you used to be?
Can you just affirm my "perfection"
but not only those imperfections?
Can you please realize that I'm still a nice girl,
on the other hand?
23/04/2015
I think I'm safe, from my nightmare, lol
But I will still be careful
cause we really won't know what will be happening next second
Okay, back to topic.
Today, it's Thursday,
and it's the day my school was going to hold a "mini concert" by class S3S2
The mini concert entitled "Dreamworks"
and our school's astro team, we named it as "Topteam" would be going to do shooting and video recording as well
I had been looking forward to this day for a long time
as I was really interested in the little concert, because the title really does attracted me
and I was also awaiting for the shooting activity as well
So....finally today comes
but I was failed to go for the shooting...
It is because I have had an argument with my dad
then he didn't let me to go for it
It made me felt truly pity :(
Actually, I'm not 100% dedicate on this activity
But what's most important is that...THE SHOOTING ACTIVITY!!
Even I'm not the anchor for this time
and maybe sometimes I don't feel like wanna do it
but I still care, VERY MUCH!!
It's because,
this is the only thing he will always approve me on
How many secondary school students can learn these professional shooting skills and stand in front of the camera as an anchor?
How many secondary school students have this opportunity?
I know, I know that he will always approve me on this
Even I'm totally failed, or else, sucks,
this is the only thing he must not deny and approve on it
and agreeing that I am still a nice one from the other angle
But, I failed.
The only thing I did today,
was just that,
I carried on the professional video camera on my shoulder and recorded something (useless things lol )
and my friends had taken some photos of me when I was carrying the video camera
I love those photos soooooooooooooo much!
I looked professional in those photos.
and, I hope that he can see it
I hope that he can see how professional am I in this area
The only thing I want him to know is that,
No one is perfect, everyone has their imperfections,
the more we know about each other, the more imperfections would be found
Somehow, we can just find a way to be tolerate
Everyone will have their merit one as well
sometimes we just need to change our point of view and try to see the good one
There is no perfection in reality,
but perfection will always exist as our eye-sight changes.
So, my beloved one,
Can you please see me from the other angle,
know me from the other side,
then, re-definite me, be proud of me,
and,
love me like how you used to be?
Can you just affirm my "perfection"
but not only those imperfections?
Can you please realize that I'm still a nice girl,
on the other hand?
23/04/2015
4.22.2015
Day 8 : What motivates me to walk for such a long time?
Finally the "abnormal" Day 7 passed and it comes Day 8
After I got up from my bed, I still felt tired, my eye was pain
I cried too much yesterday, I think.
When I finally have time to think back what happened yesterday night
I was mad, again.
I felt regret, about my dedication
Maybe he just don't deserve, I told myself.
Then, suddenly I felt like I had just let go on him
like it's time for me to live a new life.
Even so, I still felt awkward for what I wrote yesterday
dedicated to want him back...bla bla bla
and so on.
Therefore, I chose to pretend like nothing happened
and made myself looks arrogant
I've chose to USE AN ARROGANT STANCE TO DEFEND MY ONLY EGO LEFT
Whenever I think back of his sentences
I felt that I'm more staunch
and then, I felt like my mood has been slowly recovered
After school, I backed home
then I went and read what I wrote at my blog here yesterday
All those memories....
then I felt like "Shit! What again!"
my heart has been "soften" again
I really can't be hard-nosed
I just can't stand those sweetest memories
How I wish I could be cold-blooded?
I even not sure if I can really get over it
when I saw his tweet.....
At night, he sent me a message
apologized to me, for what he said last night, for how rude he has been
I just can't stand.
No, I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT!
Please, release me, please!
I think back of what is motivating me to stay strong until today
I just don't want to give up easily
I don't want this as the end, I really don't want
He said, he saw what I asked for many times on my blog here
"Can we get back together again?"
I think this is what he mentioned of
Then I called him to give me his answer if he is willing to
I have got ready.
But, actually, I'm not sure if I was.
then he said, "I guess you know it"
I DON'T KNOW.
I really don't know.
For me, I think the answer is NO
But I still can't believe it
As we got together after so many difficulties
As we have both put a great effort in our relationship
Don't you feel pity about it?
What if the answer is YES?
I know it's almost impossible
because I don't think you would send such rude sentences to your beloved one
even when you were mad
But,
I am still waiting for miracle
Do you still remember what motivates us to walk for such a long time?
Do you still remember how we put our very great effort to walk together?
Don't give up on our relationship
Can you?
22/04/2015
After I got up from my bed, I still felt tired, my eye was pain
I cried too much yesterday, I think.
When I finally have time to think back what happened yesterday night
I was mad, again.
I felt regret, about my dedication
Maybe he just don't deserve, I told myself.
Then, suddenly I felt like I had just let go on him
like it's time for me to live a new life.
Even so, I still felt awkward for what I wrote yesterday
dedicated to want him back...bla bla bla
and so on.
Therefore, I chose to pretend like nothing happened
and made myself looks arrogant
I've chose to USE AN ARROGANT STANCE TO DEFEND MY ONLY EGO LEFT
Whenever I think back of his sentences
I felt that I'm more staunch
and then, I felt like my mood has been slowly recovered
After school, I backed home
then I went and read what I wrote at my blog here yesterday
All those memories....
then I felt like "Shit! What again!"
my heart has been "soften" again
I really can't be hard-nosed
I just can't stand those sweetest memories
How I wish I could be cold-blooded?
I even not sure if I can really get over it
when I saw his tweet.....
At night, he sent me a message
apologized to me, for what he said last night, for how rude he has been
I just can't stand.
No, I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT!
Please, release me, please!
I think back of what is motivating me to stay strong until today
I just don't want to give up easily
I don't want this as the end, I really don't want
He said, he saw what I asked for many times on my blog here
"Can we get back together again?"
I think this is what he mentioned of
Then I called him to give me his answer if he is willing to
I have got ready.
But, actually, I'm not sure if I was.
then he said, "I guess you know it"
I DON'T KNOW.
I really don't know.
For me, I think the answer is NO
But I still can't believe it
As we got together after so many difficulties
As we have both put a great effort in our relationship
Don't you feel pity about it?
What if the answer is YES?
I know it's almost impossible
because I don't think you would send such rude sentences to your beloved one
even when you were mad
But,
I am still waiting for miracle
Do you still remember what motivates us to walk for such a long time?
Do you still remember how we put our very great effort to walk together?
Don't give up on our relationship
Can you?
22/04/2015
4.21.2015
Day 7 : The stream of Memories.
你是否还记得 我们究竟是怎么认识的?
其实 我忘了 真的想不起了
我只记得
刚认识你的时候 真的从未想过未来的我们会是这样的 从未想过你会对我这么重要
你是否还记得 我们究竟是怎么把仅仅的相知 变成相识的?
是那一次的集训营吧 我想
我还很记得那一词的主题是 "Prefect in the Wonderland"
还可以找到之前关于这个营会的 post : HERE
还记得那时候整组就跟你最谈得来
火锅时候一样喜欢吃伊面
其实这一切一切我都记得 还历历在目
回想起来 我在想 会不会在那个时候其实心里就有好感过?
好像真的是有的。
你是否还记得 那个曾经说过的 最完美的组合
最帅和最美的结合
那一张营会拍的 至今依然没有到手的 “MV 照”
那一首 BFF
那时真的以为会一直一直永远永远是 BFF 的我们...
你是否还记得 我们究竟是怎么从好朋友变成知己的?
其实我不太记得了
只记得我们的关系好着好着
高二上完电脑节后就到你班电脑节
电脑测验 电脑考试出来
最 up to date 的 tips 第一时间就告诉你
只记得我们越来越无话不说
你是否还记得 当时一起接待永平高中一起疯狂到马六甲的日子?
那些天天玩在一起
没有其他什么的压力的日子
一起到老妇院 上云顶 去森林局 还有马六甲
即使我跟他一起
却是我们最形影不离
你是否还记得 当时的你 常常拿我的相机玩弄
就是教你少少调相机的方法
你就会说我很厉害 其实我知道我没有很厉害
可是心里就是很开心 相处起来很开心很开心...
还有 当我们拿起相机 帮对方拍下一张张 “写真” 照片
你是否还记得 2014年文娱晚会的那个晚上
我坐在你和他之间
我记得当时候我说
“我坐在了我生命里其中两个最重要的男人中间”
其实从很早很早开始 你在我的生命里 就是一个很重要的存在
你是否还记得 究竟是什么时候开始 我们的 twitter 上面常常充斥着对方的全名?
而且你常常故意把我名字写错
总是乐得把对方名字 tweet 出来玩的那段日子
总是嚷嚷我们之间就是最好的纯友谊的日子
你是否还记得
2014年的高三欢送会当天
我们一起拿 mic 领唱 “我们的故事”?
我们一起走到外面练习
等你上了厕所
我们才慢慢走回小礼堂
真的是一辈子都不会忘记的回忆
你是否还记得 我们究竟是什么时候从好玩伴变成了知心好友?
或许是续他的事情之后吧
你是否还记得 2014年教师节
我们坐在一起聊心事聊了好久好久
聊他的事 聊你的好朋友的事
因为彼此都可以感同身受
你是否还记得
因为你对 “已读不回” 的感同身受
而一度替我感到愤愤不平
可即使你再怎么不喜欢他
为了我 你还是低声下气跟他道歉 那么努力地成全我的幸福
你是否还记得 那个无时无刻都会找你说心事的我
我很想念那个 随时随地都可以找到的你
那个常常听我哭却总不嫌烦的你
常常听我嚷着我很痛苦
却每次叫我要加油要熬过去不要出事的你
你是否还记得 11/11/2014 的那个晚上 我彻底彻底地崩溃的那个晚上
是你一直叫我要撑住
是你一直一直用尽全部人力 帮我找到他的
是你要我熬过去的
是你让我熬过去的
是你陪着我熬过去的
如果不是你 我不会这么快走得出来的
可现在 我也希望是你陪着我一起走 可以吗?
你是否还记得 13/11/2014 的晚上
你跟我说你想要跟你喜欢的女生告白了
其实我不知道是否应该鼓励你去的 因为我知道你的 “她” 到底是谁
相处这么久 怎么可能感觉不到呢
其实我当下一直在想要怎么拒绝的你知道吗
因为我实在不想影响你第二天的补考
可是没想到 你说的话 居然可以让人这么动容
还记得吗 你说过的
“已经失去你一次 我不能再失去你第二次”
你是否还记得 我生日一到 准时12点
第一个祝福就是你了
听着你边弹边唱的生日歌 我真的是笑着哭了
可惜 那段录音我还是没有办法保存
你是否还记得 我生日的那一天
我跟紫晴有争执
在我最无助的那一刻
我第一个就想到要打给你 不知道是为什么
然后你告诉我 你是有想过要来找我的 只是真的没办法
令我超级超级感动
连你补考的时候我都还被惦记着
多少个女孩能有这样的幸运呢
你是否还记得我说过 我的生日愿望给了你?
我希望我可以好好的爱你
我一直以为我做到了
原来我一直都没有做好
对不起
你是否还记得 当天的晚上 你的信息?
你说你想起来就很纠结睡不着
然后就爬起来说了
你说
“我没有样子 没有学业 我就只有那颗心罢了”
可是你可能不知道 现在在我眼里 就你最好了...
你是否还记得 本该补考成绩出炉的那一天
我们一起紧张了一个早上
结果成绩却没有出来
下午我们一起看鬼戏 你却比我先怕
可是我哭了你却拍拍我头叫我不要哭
在你自己怕的时候却也保护着我盖着我眼睛不让我看
你是否还记得我去台湾的日子?
在我上飞机前最后就是跟你说话的
你还千叮万嘱要我到了报平安
到了台湾后
我每每去到哪里 只要有网络 我就会拍照片拍影片传给你
因为我希望你分享我的生活
因为你在我的生活里是如此重要
你是否还记得那个疯疯癫癫 常常走在一起 大家都觉得我们在一起了的八独中交流营?
刚从台湾回来就马上进营的我
到了第二天晚上早已筋疲力尽
然后你因为不放心我而背着我去装水的那个晚上
我想 那应该是我最幸福的时候了
你是第一个 我累了 就会背我走的男人
你是否还记得 在营会里 你故意让他吃醋而在活动中拉着我的手?
对他而言 或许早已没有任何感觉
我对他 也没有任何留恋
但是我们却还是这么好玩的一起做了这样的事
不知现在想起 你是否会后悔?
你是否还记得 营会里 其他学校的男学长在玩大冒险时拉了我过去的时候?
大家都在起哄的时候
你是否还记得你那吃醋的感觉
之后愤愤不平跟我投诉的感觉?
你是否还记得 营会结束的那一天
我们因为他而吵大架
可偏偏 就是吵架了 你却都还坚持帮我拿行李
一边拿着 还一边跟我吵架
当我说要自己拿时 你又不让
之后还坚持帮我拿下车厢
你是否还记得奖恒生日的那一天
我们一班人本该一起出来的
而你答应了却爽约了
我很生气你怎么别人的生日都能够临时爽约呢
可是之后却又在那一天
我跟你说我接受你了
其实就只是因为
在唱 K 的时候唱了 “我们的故事” 这首歌
这首我们第一次一起当众合唱的歌
你是否还记得 筹备家希婚礼的时候
我任性地要你从学校过来
就为了那一下下的见面
其实 就只是因为挂念了
营会以后 在一起以后 都没有见面过
你是否还记得 家希迎亲的那一天
好不容易你真的过来了 完全在我的意料之外
然后还特地到你家附近喝茶
第一次坐你驾的车 那像是坐坦克的感觉
可是其实男朋友会驾车感觉就是好棒 我想我一直都没告诉你这个吧呵呵
而且那一天 看见新娘的漂亮 脸上的笑容和幸福
其实我就有在想 以后我穿婚纱会是什么样的呢 那时每个女孩的梦啊
我也在想 以后在我身边的 会不会就是你呢
你是否还记得 当天在 LRT 上
我告诉你
戒指戴在食指代表单身 戴在中指代表恋爱
不知道你是不是会记得
当天是你帮我戴在中指上的
你是否还记得 25/12/2014 我做婚礼司仪的那个晚上?
在我在后台还在慌忙练着稿的时候
可刚老师还在帮我弄着头发的时候
我还超级紧张的时候
我是那么那么的希望你就在身边
所以我第一时间就拨了一通电话给你 即使手机不在我身上 我还是拿浩杰的手机拨了电话
听到你的声音我整个人都淡定了一半
还有你之后的一句加油
那是多么有动力的一句鼓励阿
你是否还记得 那种勇敢说爱的感觉?
在我们在一起之后 别人的祝福
和希望我们一直一直在一起的人大有人在
我们一直就是身边很多朋友的太阳
甚至有人特喜欢从 Insta 中看到我们的合照
你记得吗?
你是否还记得 我常常很喜欢跟你在一起的时刻?
虽然我很任性
可是都只是想要跟你一直一直在一起 仅此而已
你是否记得 有几次我拉着你 然后走着走着就哭了 其实真的不是我情绪化
而是我真的很怕很怕失去你你知道吗
因为我一直都知道你不喜欢我的任性的
只是我真的真的很需要你
可是又很怕很怕失去你没有你
你是否还记得 你曾经跟我说
“你跟他是过去 我跟你可以改变未来”
我们可以再携手努力吗?
你是否还记得每个牵手的时刻
可不可以 我们牵着手一起走下去
你是否还记得 情人节时我送你的礼物 其实有它的意义?
我真心觉得你是我最好的男友 一直一直都是
虽然不需要很多的功夫
但是我还是有花心思的你知道吗
我还是有用心去量位置、设计
花心思去想
所以 请你好好收着 好吗?
你是否还记得
我们曾经一起被狗追
而你最怕最怕的就是狗
当下我连继续前进的力气和勇气都没了
就是你拉着我走的
我知道 不管什么事你都会保护我的
你可不可以不要离开我身边?
你是否还记得 那天还下着雨
你撑着伞 然后身体一边是湿的
是否记得 我们两人喝一杯水?
是否还能再回到那个幸福画面?
你是否还记得 团拜、你的生日?
是否记得我用心筹备了接近两个月的每一个小小的东西
其实我只希望可以圆满你的18岁
可以令你快乐罢了
可是你的18岁 似乎因为我而更不完美? 我真的很抱歉
你是否记得 那些生日歌 大家一起唱的 我弹的?
你是否记得 我慌慌张张的找人买蛋糕 慌慌张张藏起来?
你是否记得 在你的礼物上我写过
只要都还爱着 我们就不要分开?
我们可不可以不要分开
你是否还记得 当天你载我进出还几次 还有晚上载我回家?
当路过 stunt 的时候你都会伸手护着我
晚上载我回的时候会一边驾车一边牵着我
小小的举动
真的是最甜的回忆了
你是否还记得 我比赛的那一天?
我让你写便利贴给我加油
其实只是因为 我希望一直带着你的加油
即使你不在 你的加油还是我的动力
比赛结束后 我就打电话给你想告诉你结果
可是你没有接
其实就只是很想跟你分享我的喜悦
你是否还记得 我们说好的 每个月情人节要拍一张照片?
我们要收集很多很多张的不是吗
可不可以一直继续下去?
你是否还记得 14/2 的照片
其实我也脚受伤你记得吧
可是让你背着就是最有安全感的事情
所以 你可不可以一直都在?
你是否还记得 这最后的合照?
是否记得当天你答应我要看我比赛
结果你没有做到 不要紧 你可不可以弥补 就一直陪着我
不要离开 好不好?
郑颖涵 我们之间有着太多太多的曾经
太多太多的故事
怎么可能说得完
又怎么可能说不爱就不爱呢
我们经历了那么那么多的风雨绕了那么多的弯才能在一起
可不可以不要就这样分开
还记不记得你说
叫我不要离开你
现在换我求你了 你可不可以也答应我一次 就一次好不好
不要离开我 好吗?
还有最后一句 来不及说也来不及做好的 “我爱你”
21/04/2015
其实 我忘了 真的想不起了
我只记得
刚认识你的时候 真的从未想过未来的我们会是这样的 从未想过你会对我这么重要
你是否还记得 我们究竟是怎么把仅仅的相知 变成相识的?
是那一次的集训营吧 我想
我还很记得那一词的主题是 "Prefect in the Wonderland"
还可以找到之前关于这个营会的 post : HERE
还记得那时候整组就跟你最谈得来
火锅时候一样喜欢吃伊面
其实这一切一切我都记得 还历历在目
回想起来 我在想 会不会在那个时候其实心里就有好感过?
好像真的是有的。
你是否还记得 那个曾经说过的 最完美的组合
最帅和最美的结合
那一张营会拍的 至今依然没有到手的 “MV 照”
那一首 BFF
那时真的以为会一直一直永远永远是 BFF 的我们...
你是否还记得 我们究竟是怎么从好朋友变成知己的?
其实我不太记得了
只记得我们的关系好着好着
高二上完电脑节后就到你班电脑节
电脑测验 电脑考试出来
最 up to date 的 tips 第一时间就告诉你
只记得我们越来越无话不说
你是否还记得 当时一起接待永平高中一起疯狂到马六甲的日子?
那些天天玩在一起
没有其他什么的压力的日子
一起到老妇院 上云顶 去森林局 还有马六甲
即使我跟他一起
却是我们最形影不离
你是否还记得 当时的你 常常拿我的相机玩弄
就是教你少少调相机的方法
你就会说我很厉害 其实我知道我没有很厉害
可是心里就是很开心 相处起来很开心很开心...
还有 当我们拿起相机 帮对方拍下一张张 “写真” 照片
你是否还记得 2014年文娱晚会的那个晚上
我坐在你和他之间
我记得当时候我说
“我坐在了我生命里其中两个最重要的男人中间”
其实从很早很早开始 你在我的生命里 就是一个很重要的存在
你是否还记得 究竟是什么时候开始 我们的 twitter 上面常常充斥着对方的全名?
而且你常常故意把我名字写错
总是乐得把对方名字 tweet 出来玩的那段日子
总是嚷嚷我们之间就是最好的纯友谊的日子
你是否还记得
2014年的高三欢送会当天
我们一起拿 mic 领唱 “我们的故事”?
我们一起走到外面练习
等你上了厕所
我们才慢慢走回小礼堂
真的是一辈子都不会忘记的回忆
你是否还记得 你曾经骗我说你呼吸困难要死了?
你知道吗 其实我心里相信你才怪
可是你这么一说 我就哭了
我马上打电话给你
从那时候开始 我已经不想你再从我生命中消失了...
你是否还记得 我们究竟是什么时候从好玩伴变成了知心好友?
或许是续他的事情之后吧
你是否还记得 2014年教师节
我们坐在一起聊心事聊了好久好久
聊他的事 聊你的好朋友的事
因为彼此都可以感同身受
你是否还记得
因为你对 “已读不回” 的感同身受
而一度替我感到愤愤不平
可即使你再怎么不喜欢他
为了我 你还是低声下气跟他道歉 那么努力地成全我的幸福
你是否还记得 那个无时无刻都会找你说心事的我
我很想念那个 随时随地都可以找到的你
那个常常听我哭却总不嫌烦的你
常常听我嚷着我很痛苦
却每次叫我要加油要熬过去不要出事的你
你是否还记得 11/11/2014 的那个晚上 我彻底彻底地崩溃的那个晚上
是你一直叫我要撑住
是你一直一直用尽全部人力 帮我找到他的
是你要我熬过去的
是你让我熬过去的
是你陪着我熬过去的
如果不是你 我不会这么快走得出来的
可现在 我也希望是你陪着我一起走 可以吗?
你是否还记得 13/11/2014 的晚上
你跟我说你想要跟你喜欢的女生告白了
其实我不知道是否应该鼓励你去的 因为我知道你的 “她” 到底是谁
相处这么久 怎么可能感觉不到呢
其实我当下一直在想要怎么拒绝的你知道吗
因为我实在不想影响你第二天的补考
可是没想到 你说的话 居然可以让人这么动容
还记得吗 你说过的
“已经失去你一次 我不能再失去你第二次”
你是否还记得 我生日一到 准时12点
第一个祝福就是你了
听着你边弹边唱的生日歌 我真的是笑着哭了
可惜 那段录音我还是没有办法保存
你是否还记得 我生日的那一天
我跟紫晴有争执
在我最无助的那一刻
我第一个就想到要打给你 不知道是为什么
然后你告诉我 你是有想过要来找我的 只是真的没办法
令我超级超级感动
连你补考的时候我都还被惦记着
多少个女孩能有这样的幸运呢
你是否还记得我说过 我的生日愿望给了你?
我希望我可以好好的爱你
我一直以为我做到了
原来我一直都没有做好
对不起
你是否还记得 当天的晚上 你的信息?
你说你想起来就很纠结睡不着
然后就爬起来说了
你说
“我没有样子 没有学业 我就只有那颗心罢了”
可是你可能不知道 现在在我眼里 就你最好了...
你是否还记得 本该补考成绩出炉的那一天
我们一起紧张了一个早上
结果成绩却没有出来
下午我们一起看鬼戏 你却比我先怕
可是我哭了你却拍拍我头叫我不要哭
在你自己怕的时候却也保护着我盖着我眼睛不让我看
你是否还记得我去台湾的日子?
在我上飞机前最后就是跟你说话的
你还千叮万嘱要我到了报平安
到了台湾后
我每每去到哪里 只要有网络 我就会拍照片拍影片传给你
因为我希望你分享我的生活
因为你在我的生活里是如此重要
你是否还记得那个疯疯癫癫 常常走在一起 大家都觉得我们在一起了的八独中交流营?
刚从台湾回来就马上进营的我
到了第二天晚上早已筋疲力尽
然后你因为不放心我而背着我去装水的那个晚上
我想 那应该是我最幸福的时候了
你是第一个 我累了 就会背我走的男人
你是否还记得 在营会里 你故意让他吃醋而在活动中拉着我的手?
对他而言 或许早已没有任何感觉
我对他 也没有任何留恋
但是我们却还是这么好玩的一起做了这样的事
不知现在想起 你是否会后悔?
你是否还记得 营会里 其他学校的男学长在玩大冒险时拉了我过去的时候?
大家都在起哄的时候
你是否还记得你那吃醋的感觉
之后愤愤不平跟我投诉的感觉?
你是否还记得 营会结束的那一天
我们因为他而吵大架
可偏偏 就是吵架了 你却都还坚持帮我拿行李
一边拿着 还一边跟我吵架
当我说要自己拿时 你又不让
之后还坚持帮我拿下车厢
你是否还记得奖恒生日的那一天
我们一班人本该一起出来的
而你答应了却爽约了
我很生气你怎么别人的生日都能够临时爽约呢
可是之后却又在那一天
我跟你说我接受你了
其实就只是因为
在唱 K 的时候唱了 “我们的故事” 这首歌
这首我们第一次一起当众合唱的歌
你是否还记得 筹备家希婚礼的时候
我任性地要你从学校过来
就为了那一下下的见面
其实 就只是因为挂念了
营会以后 在一起以后 都没有见面过
你是否还记得 家希迎亲的那一天
好不容易你真的过来了 完全在我的意料之外
然后还特地到你家附近喝茶
第一次坐你驾的车 那像是坐坦克的感觉
可是其实男朋友会驾车感觉就是好棒 我想我一直都没告诉你这个吧呵呵
而且那一天 看见新娘的漂亮 脸上的笑容和幸福
其实我就有在想 以后我穿婚纱会是什么样的呢 那时每个女孩的梦啊
我也在想 以后在我身边的 会不会就是你呢
我告诉你
戒指戴在食指代表单身 戴在中指代表恋爱
不知道你是不是会记得
当天是你帮我戴在中指上的
你是否还记得 你为了跟我拿相机 而泡了蜜糖水送来我家的那一天?
那时候你还说我 原来我在家就是那么披头散发的阿
其实真的还好 而且我真的觉得
已经是男朋友了更加没有隐藏遮掩的必要
因为我对你有100%的信任
你是否还记得 你去日本的那段日子?
终于感受到了自己爱的人去搭飞机的担心
我刻意调了闹钟起床看你的报平安信息再睡觉的
而且在你在日本的日子
我们很少时间聊天
每天都觉得好想念
你是否还记得 25/12/2014 我做婚礼司仪的那个晚上?
在我在后台还在慌忙练着稿的时候
可刚老师还在帮我弄着头发的时候
我还超级紧张的时候
我是那么那么的希望你就在身边
所以我第一时间就拨了一通电话给你 即使手机不在我身上 我还是拿浩杰的手机拨了电话
听到你的声音我整个人都淡定了一半
还有你之后的一句加油
那是多么有动力的一句鼓励阿
在我们在一起之后 别人的祝福
和希望我们一直一直在一起的人大有人在
我们一直就是身边很多朋友的太阳
甚至有人特喜欢从 Insta 中看到我们的合照
你记得吗?
虽然我很任性
可是都只是想要跟你一直一直在一起 仅此而已
你是否记得 有几次我拉着你 然后走着走着就哭了 其实真的不是我情绪化
而是我真的很怕很怕失去你你知道吗
因为我一直都知道你不喜欢我的任性的
只是我真的真的很需要你
可是又很怕很怕失去你没有你
你是否还记得 你曾经跟我说
“你跟他是过去 我跟你可以改变未来”
我们可以再携手努力吗?
你是否还记得每个牵手的时刻
可不可以 我们牵着手一起走下去
你是否还记得 情人节时我送你的礼物 其实有它的意义?
我真心觉得你是我最好的男友 一直一直都是
虽然不需要很多的功夫
但是我还是有花心思的你知道吗
我还是有用心去量位置、设计
花心思去想
所以 请你好好收着 好吗?
你是否还记得
我们曾经一起被狗追
而你最怕最怕的就是狗
当下我连继续前进的力气和勇气都没了
就是你拉着我走的
我知道 不管什么事你都会保护我的
你可不可以不要离开我身边?
你是否还记得 那天还下着雨
你撑着伞 然后身体一边是湿的
是否记得 我们两人喝一杯水?
是否还能再回到那个幸福画面?
你是否还记得 团拜、你的生日?
其实我只希望可以圆满你的18岁
可以令你快乐罢了
可是你的18岁 似乎因为我而更不完美? 我真的很抱歉
你是否记得 那些生日歌 大家一起唱的 我弹的?
你是否记得 我慌慌张张的找人买蛋糕 慌慌张张藏起来?
你是否记得 在你的礼物上我写过
只要都还爱着 我们就不要分开?
我们可不可以不要分开
你是否还记得 当天你载我进出还几次 还有晚上载我回家?
当路过 stunt 的时候你都会伸手护着我
晚上载我回的时候会一边驾车一边牵着我
小小的举动
真的是最甜的回忆了
你是否还记得 我们一起到戏院 看我最想看的电影
然后一起看到哭得稀里哗啦
你可不可以 像那时候一样
像大雄爱着静香一样
一直爱着我?
不要离开我身边好不好?
你是否还记得开始期间
我逼你背书?
还有我们互相叫醒对方念书的晚上?
你就是我起床唯一的动力
还有是否记得
你以前每天早上的 “早安”
都能让一整天的心情很好
只因为那是你啊
我让你写便利贴给我加油
其实只是因为 我希望一直带着你的加油
即使你不在 你的加油还是我的动力
比赛结束后 我就打电话给你想告诉你结果
可是你没有接
其实就只是很想跟你分享我的喜悦
你是否还记得 我们说好的 每个月情人节要拍一张照片?
我们要收集很多很多张的不是吗
可不可以一直继续下去?
你是否还记得 14/2 的照片
其实我也脚受伤你记得吧
可是让你背着就是最有安全感的事情
所以 你可不可以一直都在?
你是否还记得 这最后的合照?
是否记得当天你答应我要看我比赛
结果你没有做到 不要紧 你可不可以弥补 就一直陪着我
不要离开 好不好?
郑颖涵 我们之间有着太多太多的曾经
太多太多的故事
怎么可能说得完
又怎么可能说不爱就不爱呢
我们经历了那么那么多的风雨绕了那么多的弯才能在一起
可不可以不要就这样分开
还记不记得你说
叫我不要离开你
现在换我求你了 你可不可以也答应我一次 就一次好不好
不要离开我 好吗?
还有最后一句 来不及说也来不及做好的 “我爱你”
21/04/2015
4.20.2015
Day 6 : Care about the present, not the past nor the future, cause the past is just a bridge, the future is unpredictable.
Day 6...
it's just a GOD DAMN DAY!
Ok, maybe it's just not my day.
Today, I need to have duty during the assembly
and today's assembly was going to give way the “Collection of Oustanding Artworks for the year 2014"
and I'm one of the students who get the books ( so today should be a happy day for me but it seems not )
Every students can get two same books
so that they can keep one themselves for commemorate
and give the another one to those they want to
At first, I've thought of giving the other one to him
but I didn't, in the end, although I really wanted to,
cause I'm really afraid that he would give a cold-shoulder towards it
then I gave it to one of my best friend.
------
First recess time,
I went to the JE Center again, not purposely,
but my English teacher made me to see him
( he was missing during that time, however, hence, my energy was wasted == )
then I saw him,
Ok, it's normal, cause I know he "worked" there.
He knocked his head towards me when he saw me, and that's all, not even a smile,
but I still tried my best to give him a "swallow" smile
------
Owwwwwwww nearly forgotten
I must say this!
Today, he wore his specs to school
I always think that he looks really good wearing his specs
It really suit him, and he looked decent and more handsome with it.
Just soooooooooooo cute OMG!
Feel like falling in love with him, again. xD
------
Okay, everything went on as usual, when I thought it would be an ordinary day, it comes after school
After finishing my English lesson, it was after school time
then my best friend, she was hesitating if she want to give me something, finally she did.
It's what he made her to give it to me
the Valentine's present that I've put in some efforts
ok, it's heart bleeding feel
and I, almost cry, I just shouted out,
"Is it a must for him to do this?!"
I don't know if everyone in the canteen were looking at me
I just don't care!
my heart was like being teared apart
You know how it feels, I bet you know. Just imagine,
.
.
.
As I really had no mood to walk a far distance
I chose to take my best friend's school bus to Viva Mall
even if I'm still having the "shadow aspect" of the dogs there
but I know, I need to be brave.
On the bus, I've had an idea.
After arriving Viva Mall,
I went to the Starbucks, bought a cup of Green Tea Cream,
identically with the last time I went home from here, with him, of course.
Then I walked home, lonely, by walking the same road,
not planning to detour because of those dogs which chased us before that
I still remembered, that moment when the dogs kept following us and kept barking
I was totally shocked during that moment and I can't walk, not even a step
my legs were like being stuck on the floor
What's happened next?
He's my hero.
He's the one who held my hand and walked with me,
and luckily the dogs didn't bite us.
He saved me, maybe, I think so.
By that time, I know, no matter what the situation is,
he will ( not sure if I need to use the word 'would' ) always be there for me,
putting me at the first priority, protect me,
even if he was afraid too.
[Cause he is very very very very very afraid of dog(s)]
After that day, I was much more falling for him.
But today, I want to face it myself, cause I know I need to.
I walked along the same road
By the time, I felt like I'm not growing that much
cause I really felt algetic, I was hoping the dogs to come out and bite me maybe,
or hitting by a car, whatever, I wanted to release my stress,
even if I knew this kind of opinion was totally a mess and it was not mature enough.
So, LUCKILY, nothing happened, I'm safe.
Actually, I don't even know what I want, to walk along the same road I once walked with him before
To recall the memories? Maybe.
or to make my heart even more painful, for me to leave, for me to give up? Maybe, as well.
Accept for those sweetest memories, and sadness, I think I got NOTHING.
Even, I can see us, walking along together,
it was a rainy day,
and he was holding an umbrella for me,
half of his body became wet.
And, I, as a girlfriend,
I was holding the cup of Starbucks for him to drink,
it was a hard job for me as he was soooooooooooo tall
or maybe I'm short, hmmmmmmmm...
I should feel sweet, shouldn't I?
but I totally didn't.
All I felt was, PITY,
TOO PITY that we can't get together again.
Why? Why did he need to do this?
Shall we be like this?
I don't know.
Maybe it's just a mistery.
------
When I was sitting at my best friend's school bus
actually I did whatsapp him
asking him why did he returning the "present" to me.
However, his reply was late, as usual ( or maybe not 'usual' )
he said, it's the same thing as I returned his photo back
BUT! I didn't mean that, I swear.
I just not sure if I still have the right to keep that
and, I just want to let 'it' go to see if 'it' will be coming back to my side,
to see if it was mine.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
Then, he said,
"I'm not your boyfriend anymore, give it to your next one"
Next one?
How could I have a "next one"?
All I want is just HIM,
ONLY.
I really felt that it's too over,
and I started to get mad.
He called me to give it to the next one? How can it be?
AND, does it simply means that HE LIED ME?
He said he loves me, he said it, he did!
He said that he can still be my last one,it's just not now, not this timing, it's what he said!
See, in this situation,
I really don't know how can I calm myself down.
Then I simply "explained" to him
when I don't even feel like it's useful, but I still did.
I really don't want to lose him. I want him to be in my life, always.
However, he BLUE-TICKED me.
Yes, he did.
I'm too disappointed on him today!
My heart is DYING.
I felt like giving up.
Actually, I told myself, on the school bus,
"If today I get home safely, I'm going to give up"
But I really can't make this decision
Now, I'm trying my best,
for not caring about what's happened in the past
not the future instead.
Cause the only day I can make a change is TODAY.
The past is just a bridge, the future is unpredictable.
Today, I failed.
I was a failure.
I'm so sorry to those who loves me.
I will be strong! Be tougher! Be brave!
and as what the movie, < Cinderella >, said,
Have Courage. Be kind.
Don't worry about me,
one day I will be completely fine.
I need to reform right now
or maybe REBORN.
Please look forward to the BETTER ME.
Good luck to him,
Good luck to me.
20/04/2015
it's just a GOD DAMN DAY!
Ok, maybe it's just not my day.
Today, I need to have duty during the assembly
and today's assembly was going to give way the “Collection of Oustanding Artworks for the year 2014"
and I'm one of the students who get the books ( so today should be a happy day for me but it seems not )
Every students can get two same books
so that they can keep one themselves for commemorate
and give the another one to those they want to
At first, I've thought of giving the other one to him
but I didn't, in the end, although I really wanted to,
cause I'm really afraid that he would give a cold-shoulder towards it
then I gave it to one of my best friend.
------
First recess time,
I went to the JE Center again, not purposely,
but my English teacher made me to see him
( he was missing during that time, however, hence, my energy was wasted == )
then I saw him,
Ok, it's normal, cause I know he "worked" there.
He knocked his head towards me when he saw me, and that's all, not even a smile,
but I still tried my best to give him a "swallow" smile
------
Owwwwwwww nearly forgotten
I must say this!
Today, he wore his specs to school
I always think that he looks really good wearing his specs
It really suit him, and he looked decent and more handsome with it.
Just soooooooooooo cute OMG!
Feel like falling in love with him, again. xD
------
Okay, everything went on as usual, when I thought it would be an ordinary day, it comes after school
After finishing my English lesson, it was after school time
then my best friend, she was hesitating if she want to give me something, finally she did.
It's what he made her to give it to me
the Valentine's present that I've put in some efforts
ok, it's heart bleeding feel
and I, almost cry, I just shouted out,
"Is it a must for him to do this?!"
I don't know if everyone in the canteen were looking at me
I just don't care!
my heart was like being teared apart
You know how it feels, I bet you know. Just imagine,
.
.
.
As I really had no mood to walk a far distance
I chose to take my best friend's school bus to Viva Mall
even if I'm still having the "shadow aspect" of the dogs there
but I know, I need to be brave.
On the bus, I've had an idea.
After arriving Viva Mall,
I went to the Starbucks, bought a cup of Green Tea Cream,
identically with the last time I went home from here, with him, of course.
Then I walked home, lonely, by walking the same road,
not planning to detour because of those dogs which chased us before that
I still remembered, that moment when the dogs kept following us and kept barking
I was totally shocked during that moment and I can't walk, not even a step
my legs were like being stuck on the floor
What's happened next?
He's my hero.
He's the one who held my hand and walked with me,
and luckily the dogs didn't bite us.
He saved me, maybe, I think so.
By that time, I know, no matter what the situation is,
he will ( not sure if I need to use the word 'would' ) always be there for me,
putting me at the first priority, protect me,
even if he was afraid too.
[Cause he is very very very very very afraid of dog(s)]
After that day, I was much more falling for him.
But today, I want to face it myself, cause I know I need to.
I walked along the same road
By the time, I felt like I'm not growing that much
cause I really felt algetic, I was hoping the dogs to come out and bite me maybe,
or hitting by a car, whatever, I wanted to release my stress,
even if I knew this kind of opinion was totally a mess and it was not mature enough.
So, LUCKILY, nothing happened, I'm safe.
Actually, I don't even know what I want, to walk along the same road I once walked with him before
To recall the memories? Maybe.
or to make my heart even more painful, for me to leave, for me to give up? Maybe, as well.
Accept for those sweetest memories, and sadness, I think I got NOTHING.
Even, I can see us, walking along together,
it was a rainy day,
and he was holding an umbrella for me,
half of his body became wet.
And, I, as a girlfriend,
I was holding the cup of Starbucks for him to drink,
it was a hard job for me as he was soooooooooooo tall
or maybe I'm short, hmmmmmmmm...
I should feel sweet, shouldn't I?
but I totally didn't.
All I felt was, PITY,
TOO PITY that we can't get together again.
Why? Why did he need to do this?
Shall we be like this?
I don't know.
Maybe it's just a mistery.
------
When I was sitting at my best friend's school bus
actually I did whatsapp him
asking him why did he returning the "present" to me.
However, his reply was late, as usual ( or maybe not 'usual' )
he said, it's the same thing as I returned his photo back
BUT! I didn't mean that, I swear.
I just not sure if I still have the right to keep that
and, I just want to let 'it' go to see if 'it' will be coming back to my side,
to see if it was mine.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
Then, he said,
"I'm not your boyfriend anymore, give it to your next one"
Next one?
How could I have a "next one"?
All I want is just HIM,
ONLY.
I really felt that it's too over,
and I started to get mad.
He called me to give it to the next one? How can it be?
AND, does it simply means that HE LIED ME?
He said he loves me, he said it, he did!
He said that he can still be my last one,it's just not now, not this timing, it's what he said!
See, in this situation,
I really don't know how can I calm myself down.
Then I simply "explained" to him
when I don't even feel like it's useful, but I still did.
I really don't want to lose him. I want him to be in my life, always.
However, he BLUE-TICKED me.
Yes, he did.
I'm too disappointed on him today!
My heart is DYING.
I felt like giving up.
Actually, I told myself, on the school bus,
"If today I get home safely, I'm going to give up"
But I really can't make this decision
Now, I'm trying my best,
for not caring about what's happened in the past
not the future instead.
Cause the only day I can make a change is TODAY.
The past is just a bridge, the future is unpredictable.
Today, I failed.
I was a failure.
I'm so sorry to those who loves me.
I will be strong! Be tougher! Be brave!
and as what the movie, < Cinderella >, said,
Have Courage. Be kind.
Don't worry about me,
one day I will be completely fine.
I need to reform right now
or maybe REBORN.
Please look forward to the BETTER ME.
Good luck to him,
Good luck to me.
20/04/2015
Day5 : I walk slowly, but I never walk backward. As long as I keep walking, one day I will get to the destination.
Time flies. It comes Day 5.
Today, I did something I've been planning for so long time,
swimming alone.
I still remember the days when I learned how to swim
I learned it at Standard 5 I think
and for almost 1-2 years
I can only say that, it's not an easy period for me
as I'm born water phobic.
That time, when my coach wanted me to swim at the point where the water level is higher than my height, I would be swimming with tears bursting
Every time when I think back the moments, I will be always laughing at myself.
However, just imagine,
me, when I was still a little girl,
I already can get over those hard times,
what's will be even more harder for me now?
I can be tough!
Back to the present,
I've swam for more than an hour, of course, alone.
I even "lied on" the pool
watching the sky, watching tiny rain drops came down from the sky
How wide the sky is? How big the world is? How huge would the universe be?
then why should we still worrying about all those "petty matters" compared to them?
They can surely accommodate our everything,
no doubts.
When I was swimming there,
there was also another "uncle" swimming there "rapidly"
Ok, at least he swam faster than me haha
Because of my leg's situation
and my asthma as well
I really don't dare to swim fast
so I swam as slowly as possible
I swim slowly,
just as how I walk slowly
but I never walk backward.
As long as I keep walking, I believe that one day I will finally get to the destination.
I've changed, day by day
Today I'm better than yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than today.
So, there will definitely one day when I became a good girl
who deserves love from my beloved one, him, maybe.
Then, I went and played the swing,
which is always my favorite, since I was just a kiddo,
with music ON.
Only at that moment, my troubles were all gone.
Sudden;y, the sky turned dark, typically dark
It came loud thunder, strong wind,
and of course, heavy rain as well.
Seriously, I'm a girl who very very very very very very afraid of thunder,
but then, I told myself,
"I must be tough! Stay strong! Face it by yourself! Get over it and you can be better! And he will be back to your side! Just do it!"
As I kept on encouraging myself
I DID IT!!!
In a nut shell,
there is nothing TOO HARD in the world
it just depends on your faith.
Keep it up! I'm a strong girl wanna be!
I believe that one day,
he will be at my side, again.
Deepest love,
19/04/2015
Today, I did something I've been planning for so long time,
swimming alone.
I still remember the days when I learned how to swim
I learned it at Standard 5 I think
and for almost 1-2 years
I can only say that, it's not an easy period for me
as I'm born water phobic.
That time, when my coach wanted me to swim at the point where the water level is higher than my height, I would be swimming with tears bursting
Every time when I think back the moments, I will be always laughing at myself.
However, just imagine,
me, when I was still a little girl,
I already can get over those hard times,
what's will be even more harder for me now?
I can be tough!
Back to the present,
I've swam for more than an hour, of course, alone.
I even "lied on" the pool
watching the sky, watching tiny rain drops came down from the sky
How wide the sky is? How big the world is? How huge would the universe be?
then why should we still worrying about all those "petty matters" compared to them?
They can surely accommodate our everything,
no doubts.
When I was swimming there,
there was also another "uncle" swimming there "rapidly"
Ok, at least he swam faster than me haha
Because of my leg's situation
and my asthma as well
I really don't dare to swim fast
so I swam as slowly as possible
I swim slowly,
just as how I walk slowly
but I never walk backward.
As long as I keep walking, I believe that one day I will finally get to the destination.
I've changed, day by day
Today I'm better than yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than today.
So, there will definitely one day when I became a good girl
who deserves love from my beloved one, him, maybe.
Then, I went and played the swing,
which is always my favorite, since I was just a kiddo,
with music ON.
Only at that moment, my troubles were all gone.
Sudden;y, the sky turned dark, typically dark
It came loud thunder, strong wind,
and of course, heavy rain as well.
Seriously, I'm a girl who very very very very very very afraid of thunder,
but then, I told myself,
"I must be tough! Stay strong! Face it by yourself! Get over it and you can be better! And he will be back to your side! Just do it!"
As I kept on encouraging myself
I DID IT!!!
In a nut shell,
there is nothing TOO HARD in the world
it just depends on your faith.
Keep it up! I'm a strong girl wanna be!
I believe that one day,
he will be at my side, again.
Deepest love,
19/04/2015
4.19.2015
Day 4 : I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, I rather bear it myself.
Today, the 4th day
I'm totally suffering.
It's the prize giving ceremony for PMR & SPM
giving prize to those who get 5As or above in the both exam
and prizes given by other organization
Students who were going to receive the prize
their parents had been invited to school to watch the ceremony
And, I stepped onto the stage of this ceremony once, in year 2013, when I was in Senior 1, taking my prize by getting 5As in PMR examination
my parent came, of course,
they always proud of my result.
I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be happy.
But, I failed.
because I didn't take my Mandarin exam in SPM as I went to Taiwan
so I only sit for 6 subjects
then I got 4As in my SPM
not because my subjects are lesser
it's because that incident, it affected my mood when I was preparing my exam
so I accidentally got a B1 for my Sejarah
then I've submitted my form to the government to appeal for my Sejarah's result
I hope there's miracle
and my parent totally support me, as always.
I'm still worrying about the result
I really don't want to waste their RM100 and get nothing change but I'm not sure if I did my Sejarah good @@
What if I fail again? Then disappointing my parent again? Disappointing myself again?
What if I success? So what? I still can't get onto the stage anymore.
I'm soooooooooo confused.
In the whole incident, I'm totally regret, for not staying strong and easily been affected by the others
It's my own problem and I know it. I can't blame anyone.
But, I hate him, still.
He's the one who ruined my result, he's the one who get me down for the stage. He's the one.
I know that I'm not suppose to have these opinions,
but how?
He's not a responsible guy, I swear.
The girl being with him now, I hope you'll never get him trouble, otherwise he'll show you how much responsibility he has, to settle down problems. Good luck to you.
Ok, back to topic,
due to the above reasons,
when it comes the prize giving ceremony, today,
it really does torment me. I'm fully suffering from it.
And what's more?
I still need to duty during the ceremony!!
AND! He's the person in charged of the duty!!
So, I'm just like... WTF!!
I should be the one who get onto the stage, but now, I can only watching the others getting the prize
One step, only one little step, then I can step onto the stage again, my parent will be proud of me more, and he ruined everything. He ruined me.
And now, he still want me to duty during the ceremony,
all I can say is that "Hey, you are such a bitch!"
Moreover!
Few days ago he saw that I wore slippers to school,
my ankle was sprained and my leg was wrapping by bandage
HE KNEW IT!
then he still arrange a post, which can't rest and need to stand for whole 3 hours, for me.
What the hell problem are you having huh?
and even worse, I don't think that he is suitable to be a person in charge
cause I really don't feel like he has explained clearly for the whole duty
such SHIT!
Then, I got no choice and I need to stand for 3 hours
while he, himself, sitting behind, ONLY.
Cause I still need to lead the "VIP" to get on and off the stage
so I even need to walk fast
but the main point is that, my leg still haven't get well wholy yet!!
So, what can I do?
I chose to stress my leg walking faster without bothering the painful feeling
Hence, everyone can imagine,
how's my leg gonna be, after the ceremony end.
My tears almost burst out due to my pain
my leg got totally no energy and no feel in the end,
even a step is that difficult for me.
How can I torture for the whole 3 hours?
I don't know.
I thought of giving up also, many times.
But I kept telling myself,
if I can pass through these,
definitely I can pass through my hardships facing in life,
and everything's gonna be better.
So, that's it.
Standing in front of the stage,
I can see him (of course, not the one again, this refers to the one I love haha) also, sometimes,
every time when I saw him, I told myself,
I need to be strong, for me and for him.
He's my motivation.
Therefore, suffering from my regret, suffering because of my leg, and so on...
makes my day worse like shit!
------
Then, finally the ceremony passed,
everything went on normally,
lunch time - co-curricular time ( today is the day to capture photo for Prefectorial so I hardly "crawled" the the photo capturing place, another suffer for today @@) - after school.
After school,
I gave the exam notes that I prepaid to him
with his photos and a long letter
I know that he won't reply me and maybe even won't have any feeling towards it
but I still did it, cause I'm really afraid that the "accident" will happen
I need to tell the truth, I don't want myself to regret in the future.
I know, it's the last time I bother him,
I know, it's the last time I bother him,
cause I have already no courage.
then, from his expression, I can't get what was he thinking about
He even made my friend to give my file back to me after that
cause I put all those things in a transparent file
Why need to be like this? Idk.
Then when I was waiting my dad to come at the Shell Petrol Station
I saw him, at the opposite,
walking towards Pudu LRT Station's direction with his friends
I think, I can only watch him from far far away, like this, in the future.
It really made me sad.
Should us be like this?
------
Another little story, happened after school also
when I sit on the staircase outside Prefectorial Room
because my leg was pain and I felt lazy to walk,
his younger sister and her friend walking towards me.
Her friend said something to her in front of me,
saying that "Your brother's girlfriend....."
and then she repeated it again also, calling me "my brother's girlfriend"
.
.
.
That moment,
I know I should tell her that, "Sorry, I'm not (anymore)."
but I didn't.
I don't have the courage to tell it out
I don't have the courage to tell it out
I really don't willing to say this.
Please, I still looking forward to the day, when I don't need to tell this, don't need to worry about how to answer "these" anymore
cause we are being together, as usual, as what the others know.
Owwww please, please bring me that day/
:(
------
Ok, focal point for today,
here I go.
When I went back home,
I tweeted a tweet on twitter about a guy who treat me good enough, cause we are best friend, pure best friend, everyone knows.
Afterwards I think of this, "Will he be jealous?"
Maybe yes, maybe no.
Actually I know, even before I tweeted it,
he may get jealous
and after I tweeted it, our relationship may be worsen.
But why still I tweet it?
Throw back to the day when he broken up with me, he is that sad,
but neither I dropped a drop of tears
I even told him to be happy, personally, and also on social network publicly.
Why?
1st reason : I really want him to be happy. <-- div="" important="" most="" point="">
2nd reason : I want his friends, or even anyone, think that I'm the one who broke up with him
Again, why?
I still remembered that, he tweeted a tweet that night,
and it's about,
he knew that he was going to be seen as a villain, a bad person.
And, I don't want this to happen,
cause I know how worse the feeling is, to be misunderstood by others, saying that I'm a bad person
Once, I'm really depress about it and I really don't want to be a bad person in others' sight
but at that moment,
I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, so I rather bear it myself.
In their opinion, I'm always a bad girl, so please continue,
don't make him as a bad person,
one bad person is enough, for a relationship.
So, I even don't dare to post some "deeply sad" tweet
I tried to make my posts seem happy
like I'm ok even breaking up with him
like I'm the one who hurt him
and, for today's tweet
at first I only want to say that I'm touched
but then i thought of, it can also make some of the peoples think that I'm not a loyal girl
then just loathes me.
It's non of his business. It's me.
I don't want him to suffer from unbearable words.
It's unfair.
I love him,
I don't want him to suffer.
So,
God,
please be good to him,
no matter how you treat me, I have no grumble.
Best wishes, for you,
18/04/2015
4.17.2015
Day 3 : What are you going to tell me if this is the last time you see me?
"What are you going to tell me if this is the last time you see me? "
This is not the first time I asked this question
the last time when I asked this is on November 2014, the day before I went to Taiwan
because air disasters often happened during that period
so it made me curious about this
then I asked.
For now, I wish to ask this again, especially HIM
The reason is as folow :
These days I always dream, especially for this 2-3 days
my dreams are just like a drama
when I awake, then it paused
and it continue automatically in the next night
at first, I don't actually know what's the dream talking about
I just remember that I talked to someone in the dream but I can't see it clearly who he/she is
in our conversation
the person said that :"After your road accident happened..."
Even "me" in the dream just answer him/her without feeling weird
my mind is still working and I still remember that moment my mind was asking
"What the hell car accident that I had?!"
Then, last night,
the dream continued,
and it went even clear.
"Me" in the dream is the future "me" in year 2016 or 2017
The story is that,
I had a serious car accident within a week breaking up with him
and I just get into coma situation after that, for more than 1 year ( almost 2 years I think)
After I get well, everything changed, of course.
I told one of my friends ( I think he/she is my friend lol cause I can't see him/her clearly also) that I still feel like breaking up with him is just a week ago
I still love him, very very much, after 1 year ++
Then I meet him, in the dream
I asked him, "If I said I want to get back together with you at 2 years ago, will you promise me?"
the question is deeply "printed" into my mind
but I'm sad that I can't remember his answer :(
There are many sayings pointed out that
things/incidents that we dreamed can always happen in the real life
and we dreamed that as a prediction/
For myself instead, few of my dreams came into real life before also
so, I'm worrying about this
Actually, I'm not scared
because I always believe that
WHAT HAD BEEN PLANNED TO HAPPEN, HAPPEN.
Just,
I believe that I will be feeling very badly
as I'm not able to talk to him ( I mean like how we used to be, not hi-bye style talking ) before the accident
What if he didn't love me in the future, a year plus?
Time changes things. What if time grab his love from me?
So on, how about my friends? My family? My study?
.
.
.
Hence,
even my friends, when they heard about my dream,
they are worrying about me too.
My friend who walked with me to the Pudu Bus Station today,
she don't dare to simply cross the road because I'm there haha
actually it's a bit touching
but I still worry about something bad will happen @@
Therefore, I really feel like want to ask him,
what is he going to tell me if it's the last time he see me?
Will he say he love me? or what?
I still looking forward to hear that "I love you" from him again
My friends, who are reading this post now,
can you kindly please tell me also,
what are you all going to tell me if it's the last time you see me?
Let's speak our words out!
Who knows what's going to happen in the future?
Don't wait until that's no chance again, and regret?
If, I mean if, my dream really come true,
please help me to show him my blog,
I want to tell him that,
I ALWAYS LOVE HIM.
and I'll find a chance to tell him this also, maybe.
I will try my best
cause "regret" is not allow in my life :)
-----
And there's a little "add on" for today
The photo that I lost it yesterday
it's happy to tell that
I FOUND IT!
actually it's not me who found that and I don't know how it appeared again
but I really want to thank the one who found it for me
and those who searched it for me yesterday
You all are just so lovely,
love ya.
God, is it your signal for me? I believe it is.
Please bring him back to my side,
I love him.
Lastly, Good luck to me!
Love,
17/04/2015
This is not the first time I asked this question
the last time when I asked this is on November 2014, the day before I went to Taiwan
because air disasters often happened during that period
so it made me curious about this
then I asked.
For now, I wish to ask this again, especially HIM
The reason is as folow :
These days I always dream, especially for this 2-3 days
my dreams are just like a drama
when I awake, then it paused
and it continue automatically in the next night
at first, I don't actually know what's the dream talking about
I just remember that I talked to someone in the dream but I can't see it clearly who he/she is
in our conversation
the person said that :"After your road accident happened..."
Even "me" in the dream just answer him/her without feeling weird
my mind is still working and I still remember that moment my mind was asking
"What the hell car accident that I had?!"
Then, last night,
the dream continued,
and it went even clear.
"Me" in the dream is the future "me" in year 2016 or 2017
The story is that,
I had a serious car accident within a week breaking up with him
and I just get into coma situation after that, for more than 1 year ( almost 2 years I think)
After I get well, everything changed, of course.
I told one of my friends ( I think he/she is my friend lol cause I can't see him/her clearly also) that I still feel like breaking up with him is just a week ago
I still love him, very very much, after 1 year ++
Then I meet him, in the dream
I asked him, "If I said I want to get back together with you at 2 years ago, will you promise me?"
the question is deeply "printed" into my mind
but I'm sad that I can't remember his answer :(
There are many sayings pointed out that
things/incidents that we dreamed can always happen in the real life
and we dreamed that as a prediction/
For myself instead, few of my dreams came into real life before also
so, I'm worrying about this
Actually, I'm not scared
because I always believe that
WHAT HAD BEEN PLANNED TO HAPPEN, HAPPEN.
Just,
I believe that I will be feeling very badly
as I'm not able to talk to him ( I mean like how we used to be, not hi-bye style talking ) before the accident
What if he didn't love me in the future, a year plus?
Time changes things. What if time grab his love from me?
So on, how about my friends? My family? My study?
.
.
.
Hence,
even my friends, when they heard about my dream,
they are worrying about me too.
My friend who walked with me to the Pudu Bus Station today,
she don't dare to simply cross the road because I'm there haha
actually it's a bit touching
but I still worry about something bad will happen @@
Therefore, I really feel like want to ask him,
what is he going to tell me if it's the last time he see me?
Will he say he love me? or what?
I still looking forward to hear that "I love you" from him again
My friends, who are reading this post now,
can you kindly please tell me also,
what are you all going to tell me if it's the last time you see me?
Let's speak our words out!
Who knows what's going to happen in the future?
Don't wait until that's no chance again, and regret?
If, I mean if, my dream really come true,
please help me to show him my blog,
I want to tell him that,
I ALWAYS LOVE HIM.
and I'll find a chance to tell him this also, maybe.
I will try my best
cause "regret" is not allow in my life :)
-----
And there's a little "add on" for today
The photo that I lost it yesterday
it's happy to tell that
I FOUND IT!
actually it's not me who found that and I don't know how it appeared again
but I really want to thank the one who found it for me
and those who searched it for me yesterday
You all are just so lovely,
love ya.
God, is it your signal for me? I believe it is.
Please bring him back to my side,
I love him.
Lastly, Good luck to me!
Love,
17/04/2015
4.16.2015
Day 2 : The always best man in my heart
Ok,soon, it comes day 2.
Today is not my day.
Once, I thought I can be that optimistic
even if he's not mine again
because I didn't cry
not even a drop of tears
But, it soon comes the worst by today.
In the morning, I took my van to school as usual
walked towards school from the Shell petrol station as usual also
then I carelessly sprained my ankle of the same leg for the second time
just because I didn't noticed a little pipe on the floor
Luckily, I still have a little fortune I think
It's not that serious
just having terribly pain for awhile
and my day goes on as usual again...
During 1st recess time
I found out that my very very best friend didn't come to school
and I don't even know why
She seemed well in the day before
without her, I know, I should be even more independent by today
Then, I went to the JE Center to finish some little stuffs
of course, just me, myself.
Afterwards when I "crawled" back to my class
I backed and sit at my place
Lie my head down on the table
watching people walk around from the window
By that time, my "neighbor" was busy doing her work
and I just felt like don't wanna do anything
Just, staring outside
And soon, I "immersed" into my own world
without bothering what was happening in the class
Again, memories flashback to those days
he carried me on his back,
and the smile, bright smile, on OUR face
it's always happy to be with him, always.
Finally, I got into the "breaking up" mood
I felt like crying, or maybe bleeding,
but it's just all happening in my heart
After recess, it comes Economy class, if I'm not mistaken.
I totally can't concentrate on my class
I know what's the teacher teaching about
roughly know the contents
but I just unable to digest it
my mind filled with memories, those PERFECT memories.
I knew I couldn't be like that
because I have promised myself to be better
to live my life with smile
So, I started to find some ways to express my sadness
I called my "neighbor" sitting behind to hold his tumbler for me to punch ( as he is from Wushu Society, so I think it's not a big deal for him haha )
Then, I shake his tumbler and made water droplets "moisturizing" his books
I tried to find something fun to do, to play around
What's lucky is that I recovered my mood as soon as I played with my funny "neighbors"
really glad to have them to sit around
they always bring me lots of fun and craziness
Then, it comes to Mathematics class, again @@
I took his photo out, which I always kept it inside my little note book
I put it inside a little bag which is transparent
and I planned to give it back to him tomorrow
but, unfortunately, some little incidents happened
I LOST the photo :(
my friends play with it then passed it around then it lost
at first I'm not that sad cause I thought they are only playing with me
then when I realized that it really lost
I'm a bit nervous
but I still thought that it can be found back because it's really impossible for something to disappear in a sudden
I called few of my friends to find it for me
then 2nd recess passed, 2 more classes passed, and finally it comes to after school time
but, the photo still didn't appear
I LOST IT!
I'm not only sad because of it, I still feel so sorry to him
it's belong to him, not mine, but I lost it :(
How can I, a careless one, could be trusted again?
After I walked everywhere to look for it but to no avail
I totally gave up, hopeless, despair.
It really means a lot to me
cause I simply think that
I lost it...like how I lost him, like how he went out of my life
what if I can found it?
Is it simply means that we will be getting back together?
what if I can't found it, like now?
So is it means that we won't be getting back together anymore?
Is it a signal from God, telling me to let go of him?
Then, finally I cried.
Not burst out, but my tears came out slowly
I tried to control them but failed
HOPELESS.
Till now, I still feeling hopeless.
I really hope that miracle will happen tomorrow
God, please make miracle,
please tell me that we still have a chance between us, PLEASE.
Then, I went back home by taking taxi
cause I don't want to worsen my leg's situation
since I still have to play basketball during tomorrow's PE class
and it's gonna to be counted as exam marks
So, I need to take good care of it tonight @@
At first, I planned to wait for taxi with Kai Qi
but she suddenly can't accompany me
I'm disappointed also, but then I let her go,
like what I did yesterday,
cause I know, one day in the future I need to be more independent though
So....that's it.
I know that I'm growing up, day by day.
And, the most important things for today,
as my title written, he's the always best man for me
Why said so?
Today, it's the day he went for the preliminary 5000m race
I knew it yesterday night
as my classmate posted a name list of participants
then I saw his name, as what I predicted.
After hesitating for a period of time
I've made my decision to wish him through Whatsapp
I don't know if he needs my encouragement or not
but I did it.
Then, after school, as I bring along my sadness,
walking down the staircase, I met him.
He smiled towards me. So do I.
then I wish him again
then we simply talked for awhile.
But, seriously, I was worrying about him for a day
worried about his asthma
cause I know how suffer is it when having asthma
and he was gonna run for at least 35 laps, in estimating 45 minutes ( 1 minit 15 seconds per lap )
I already felt like dying when I heard this
How could he dare to do so?
But, I trust him.
Just because, it's him.
I just want him to take good care of himself, then that's it.
After I went back my home,
one of my friends asked me,
"Don't you planned to ask him about the result?"
I think, no need.
It simply because,
to me, he's always the BEST,
I trusted that he had done his very best performance
and no matter what's the result is,
HE WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ONE, BEST MAN, IN MY HEART.
No doubts.
Thanks God,
that you're safe, healthy, still.
and finished your "challenge" successfully
Today is not my day,
but I hope it's yours.
Once again, thanks God.
With love,
16/04/2015
Today is not my day.
Once, I thought I can be that optimistic
even if he's not mine again
because I didn't cry
not even a drop of tears
But, it soon comes the worst by today.
In the morning, I took my van to school as usual
walked towards school from the Shell petrol station as usual also
then I carelessly sprained my ankle of the same leg for the second time
just because I didn't noticed a little pipe on the floor
Luckily, I still have a little fortune I think
It's not that serious
just having terribly pain for awhile
and my day goes on as usual again...
During 1st recess time
I found out that my very very best friend didn't come to school
and I don't even know why
She seemed well in the day before
without her, I know, I should be even more independent by today
Then, I went to the JE Center to finish some little stuffs
of course, just me, myself.
Afterwards when I "crawled" back to my class
I backed and sit at my place
Lie my head down on the table
watching people walk around from the window
By that time, my "neighbor" was busy doing her work
and I just felt like don't wanna do anything
Just, staring outside
And soon, I "immersed" into my own world
without bothering what was happening in the class
Again, memories flashback to those days
he carried me on his back,
and the smile, bright smile, on OUR face
it's always happy to be with him, always.
Finally, I got into the "breaking up" mood
I felt like crying, or maybe bleeding,
but it's just all happening in my heart
After recess, it comes Economy class, if I'm not mistaken.
I totally can't concentrate on my class
I know what's the teacher teaching about
roughly know the contents
but I just unable to digest it
my mind filled with memories, those PERFECT memories.
I knew I couldn't be like that
because I have promised myself to be better
to live my life with smile
So, I started to find some ways to express my sadness
I called my "neighbor" sitting behind to hold his tumbler for me to punch ( as he is from Wushu Society, so I think it's not a big deal for him haha )
Then, I shake his tumbler and made water droplets "moisturizing" his books
I tried to find something fun to do, to play around
What's lucky is that I recovered my mood as soon as I played with my funny "neighbors"
really glad to have them to sit around
they always bring me lots of fun and craziness
Then, it comes to Mathematics class, again @@
I took his photo out, which I always kept it inside my little note book
I put it inside a little bag which is transparent
and I planned to give it back to him tomorrow
but, unfortunately, some little incidents happened
I LOST the photo :(
my friends play with it then passed it around then it lost
at first I'm not that sad cause I thought they are only playing with me
then when I realized that it really lost
I'm a bit nervous
but I still thought that it can be found back because it's really impossible for something to disappear in a sudden
I called few of my friends to find it for me
then 2nd recess passed, 2 more classes passed, and finally it comes to after school time
but, the photo still didn't appear
I LOST IT!
I'm not only sad because of it, I still feel so sorry to him
it's belong to him, not mine, but I lost it :(
How can I, a careless one, could be trusted again?
After I walked everywhere to look for it but to no avail
I totally gave up, hopeless, despair.
It really means a lot to me
cause I simply think that
I lost it...like how I lost him, like how he went out of my life
what if I can found it?
Is it simply means that we will be getting back together?
what if I can't found it, like now?
So is it means that we won't be getting back together anymore?
Is it a signal from God, telling me to let go of him?
Then, finally I cried.
Not burst out, but my tears came out slowly
I tried to control them but failed
HOPELESS.
Till now, I still feeling hopeless.
I really hope that miracle will happen tomorrow
God, please make miracle,
please tell me that we still have a chance between us, PLEASE.
Then, I went back home by taking taxi
cause I don't want to worsen my leg's situation
since I still have to play basketball during tomorrow's PE class
and it's gonna to be counted as exam marks
So, I need to take good care of it tonight @@
At first, I planned to wait for taxi with Kai Qi
but she suddenly can't accompany me
I'm disappointed also, but then I let her go,
like what I did yesterday,
cause I know, one day in the future I need to be more independent though
So....that's it.
I know that I'm growing up, day by day.
And, the most important things for today,
as my title written, he's the always best man for me
Why said so?
Today, it's the day he went for the preliminary 5000m race
I knew it yesterday night
as my classmate posted a name list of participants
then I saw his name, as what I predicted.
After hesitating for a period of time
I've made my decision to wish him through Whatsapp
I don't know if he needs my encouragement or not
but I did it.
Then, after school, as I bring along my sadness,
walking down the staircase, I met him.
He smiled towards me. So do I.
then I wish him again
then we simply talked for awhile.
But, seriously, I was worrying about him for a day
worried about his asthma
cause I know how suffer is it when having asthma
and he was gonna run for at least 35 laps, in estimating 45 minutes ( 1 minit 15 seconds per lap )
I already felt like dying when I heard this
How could he dare to do so?
But, I trust him.
Just because, it's him.
I just want him to take good care of himself, then that's it.
After I went back my home,
one of my friends asked me,
"Don't you planned to ask him about the result?"
I think, no need.
It simply because,
to me, he's always the BEST,
I trusted that he had done his very best performance
and no matter what's the result is,
HE WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ONE, BEST MAN, IN MY HEART.
No doubts.
Thanks God,
that you're safe, healthy, still.
and finished your "challenge" successfully
Today is not my day,
but I hope it's yours.
Once again, thanks God.
With love,
16/04/2015
4.15.2015
Day 1 : Do it by myself!
Today...
it's the first day he's not mine, AGAIN.
Everything seems alright
like nothing happened
We are not couple anymore, for now
but I really hope that we can be friend
I mean BEST FRIEND like we used to be
cause even if we are being together
I still always memories flashback to those days
when we can play around together
tell each other our "little secret"
He know me, and so do I.
And, those days when I call him "handsome" even if I don't really admit it that time haha
( but I admit it now, deeply)
then we always joked about how match are we if we could become couple
And, those days when I call him "handsome" even if I don't really admit it that time haha
( but I admit it now, deeply)
then we always joked about how match are we if we could become couple
So, I want those days back
I don't want us to be far apart upon breaking up
But, it seems hard, or impossible, maybe
today when we suddenly met up in school
I really want to talk to him
but I can felt the awkward
between me and him.
I really don't want us to be like this
please, can we be better?
From yesterday night till now
few of my friends asked me "Did you cry?"
and the answer is ...NO, I didn't
But why?
maybe I should say "I don't know" lol
Definitely I'm sad deep inside my heart
but I act like nothing
so, I'm okay.
But, as I feel okay all the time
maybe it's not the truth
cause I'm really sad also.
I get into daydreaming during my Mathematics class
I thought back those days
you were kind and sweet
we hold our hand, tight, and promised,
won't giving up on others no matter what...
I think of how I planned his birthday
and he fetched me back in late night...
He put me at the first priority and protected me even if he's scare also
Those days,
he was once my man.
Then, what's next?
My eye filled with tears
but in the end, I didn't cry also
I need to smile
because I still don't believe that this is the end
it's not our ending
we deserve more, I believe in it.
I know, he still love me
so I can wait
wait for the day we both become better and get back together
But, my insecurity scared me still
What if he didn't love me again in the future?
What if he finally let go on me?
I don't know.
I just hope myself to become a better girl
and love him even more
I want him to love me, like how we used to be.
And what's most important for today is that
I let Jeang Herng to leave me alone at the bus stop
then he went back home first
It pretty means that...
I'm growing up!
I'm taking a giant step to be better!
Now I know
I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF!
Soon, I will love you with a better me.
And now, I'm going to prepare exam notes, for him and for me
Exam is coming soon
and I know
this time we can't fight together
I miss those days when we encourage each other for examination
and I wake him up in the midnight to study
and he did the same to me.
I always made him to memories exam's thingies
It's really a hard period
It's really a hard period
but it's sweet because he is there for me and I know it.
This time,
I know we can hardly be like that again
but I will still try my best to help him
as I mentioned in my last post
I always wish him the best in life no matter what
and I will try my best to make him the better one
Good luck for him!
Lastly for today,
little quote for myself, which I learned during the English period
"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence"
So, I always believe that
we can walk even far by holding each other's hand
I will try my best to chase after perfection
and love him, as always.
I love you, my dear.
15/04/2015
4.14.2015
The Little Valentine's Day in April 2015
These day, many of my friends asked me :
"How are you both doing?"
"Are you okay?"
"Broken up?"
"Problems settled?"
And ... All I want to say is that
I'm not going to answer any of these questions
cause many incidents just can't be describe by using words
It's just all about FEELINGS
But why am I here?
I'm going to apologize ...
even if I had already sent him few apologize messages
I just think that I need to write it down here
not for him to see it or what
just, I hope that when I recall this back in the future,
no matter who is by my side, or even no one,
I really don't want myself, a stupid idiot i think, to repeat the same mistake again ...
If you ask me, I will definitely admit that,
Once, I think of breaking up with him though
I dislike the way he beat about the bush
cause I always think that there's no secret between us
I dislike the way he judge me
even if he heard my story, he judged me in a heart-pain way.
But in the end, I'm sad, I'm depressed
cause I know I really did wrongly.
I'm soooooooooooo sorry, my beloved one.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future
but by now, I'm really appreciate
I'm always appreciate every little moments being with him
cause he is such a SPECIAL one in my entire life
But, I dissapointed him, I hurt him. I know I did.
He suffered because of ME
seems, he's sad, he's depressed, too.
and even, he cried because of ME
It's no denying that having someone ( especially boy ) who will cry for you is so loving
and he's the one, the SPECIAL one.
During these days,
sometimes I feel like ...
I seemed not that in love with him, maybe only 50%
the "love feeling" decrease as days go on and on
as I used to fulfill my days with bright smile without him
But, today,
when he asked about my leg, which I sprained my ankle
It touches me deeeeeeeeeeeeply
my heart feels so warm
because it's him who asked me that
I really love the way how we talk to each other like nothing happened
I miss those days when we always joke and play around like no one is around
then I told myself :"Hey! Admit it!"
Ya, I admit it.
I miss him. I miss us. I miss the lovely couple which used to make every of our friends feeling like ants coming
I love him. Yes, I love him, from the deepest of my heart.
I wish he's the one, the only one, the most special one ...
And today, 14th April 2015
Don't know if I should counted it as our fourth month or not
it's a little valentine's day
I hope he can be by my side, but he didn't.
I know, it's my fault, it's what I should face.
Thankfully, my little wish came true by today
he asked about my pain
he's not around but I can felt that his heart is around
( I hope my feeling didn't goes wrong @@ )
And, I'm really thankful to have him in my life
even if he didn't love me now
even if I don't know what will be going on in the future
even if I'm not his girl
even if he's not going to forgive me
and so on.
I'm just here to thank him
for teaching me how to face problems in life
he gave me the courage
Thank him for leading me to smile towards my life even if facing turbulence
Maybe, he lost his happiness because of me
but I really hope him the very best one in life
Hey! My beloved one!
All I wanted to say is that
I'm really sorry.
I hope that you can face your life with bright smile too.
I will always be there for you no matter what
or even if I'm not your girl again
Please stay happy, stay health,
and take good care of yourself,
always remember to drive safely, please.
And what's most important,
I LOVE YOU
still.
Happy April's Valentine's Day!
14/04/2015
"How are you both doing?"
"Are you okay?"
"Broken up?"
"Problems settled?"
And ... All I want to say is that
I'm not going to answer any of these questions
cause many incidents just can't be describe by using words
It's just all about FEELINGS
But why am I here?
I'm going to apologize ...
even if I had already sent him few apologize messages
I just think that I need to write it down here
not for him to see it or what
just, I hope that when I recall this back in the future,
no matter who is by my side, or even no one,
I really don't want myself, a stupid idiot i think, to repeat the same mistake again ...
If you ask me, I will definitely admit that,
Once, I think of breaking up with him though
I dislike the way he beat about the bush
cause I always think that there's no secret between us
I dislike the way he judge me
even if he heard my story, he judged me in a heart-pain way.
But in the end, I'm sad, I'm depressed
cause I know I really did wrongly.
I'm soooooooooooo sorry, my beloved one.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future
but by now, I'm really appreciate
I'm always appreciate every little moments being with him
cause he is such a SPECIAL one in my entire life
But, I dissapointed him, I hurt him. I know I did.
He suffered because of ME
seems, he's sad, he's depressed, too.
and even, he cried because of ME
It's no denying that having someone ( especially boy ) who will cry for you is so loving
and he's the one, the SPECIAL one.
During these days,
sometimes I feel like ...
I seemed not that in love with him, maybe only 50%
the "love feeling" decrease as days go on and on
as I used to fulfill my days with bright smile without him
But, today,
when he asked about my leg, which I sprained my ankle
It touches me deeeeeeeeeeeeply
my heart feels so warm
because it's him who asked me that
I really love the way how we talk to each other like nothing happened
I miss those days when we always joke and play around like no one is around
then I told myself :"Hey! Admit it!"
Ya, I admit it.
I miss him. I miss us. I miss the lovely couple which used to make every of our friends feeling like ants coming
I love him. Yes, I love him, from the deepest of my heart.
I wish he's the one, the only one, the most special one ...
And today, 14th April 2015
Don't know if I should counted it as our fourth month or not
it's a little valentine's day
I hope he can be by my side, but he didn't.
I know, it's my fault, it's what I should face.
Thankfully, my little wish came true by today
he asked about my pain
he's not around but I can felt that his heart is around
( I hope my feeling didn't goes wrong @@ )
And, I'm really thankful to have him in my life
even if he didn't love me now
even if I don't know what will be going on in the future
even if I'm not his girl
even if he's not going to forgive me
and so on.
I'm just here to thank him
for teaching me how to face problems in life
he gave me the courage
Thank him for leading me to smile towards my life even if facing turbulence
Maybe, he lost his happiness because of me
but I really hope him the very best one in life
Hey! My beloved one!
All I wanted to say is that
I'm really sorry.
I hope that you can face your life with bright smile too.
I will always be there for you no matter what
or even if I'm not your girl again
Please stay happy, stay health,
and take good care of yourself,
always remember to drive safely, please.
And what's most important,
I LOVE YOU
still.
Happy April's Valentine's Day!
14/04/2015
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