Day5 : I walk slowly, but I never walk backward. As long as I keep walking, one day I will get to the destination.

Time flies. It comes Day 5.
Today, I did something I've been planning for so long time,
swimming alone.

I still remember the days when I learned how to swim
I learned it at Standard 5 I think
and for almost 1-2 years
I can only say that, it's not an easy period for me
as I'm born water phobic.
That time, when my coach wanted me to swim at the point where the water level is higher than my height, I would be swimming with tears bursting
Every time when I think back the moments, I will be always laughing at myself.
However, just imagine,
me, when I was still a little girl,
I already can get over those hard times,
what's will be even more harder for me now?
I can be tough!

Back to the present,
I've swam for more than an hour, of course, alone.
I even "lied on" the pool
watching the sky, watching tiny rain drops came down from the sky
How wide the sky is? How big the world is? How huge would the universe be?
then why should we still worrying about all those "petty matters" compared to them?
They can surely accommodate our everything,
no doubts.

When I was swimming there,
there was also another "uncle" swimming there "rapidly"
Ok, at least he swam faster than me haha
Because of my leg's situation
and my asthma as well
I really don't dare to swim fast
so I swam as slowly as possible

I swim slowly,
just as how I walk slowly
but I never walk backward.
As long as I keep walking, I believe that one day I will finally get to the destination.
I've changed, day by day
Today I'm better than yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than today.
So, there will definitely one day when I became a good girl
who deserves love from my beloved one, him, maybe.

Then, I went and played the swing,
which is always my favorite, since I was just a kiddo,
with music ON.
Only at that moment, my troubles were all gone.
Sudden;y, the sky turned dark, typically dark
It came loud thunder, strong wind,
and of course, heavy rain as well.
Seriously, I'm a girl who very very very very very very afraid of thunder,
but then, I told myself,
"I must be tough! Stay strong! Face it by yourself! Get over it and you can be better! And he will be back to your side! Just do it!"
As I kept on encouraging myself
I DID IT!!!

In a nut shell,
there is nothing TOO HARD in the world
it just depends on your faith.
Keep it up! I'm a strong girl wanna be!

I believe that one day,
he will be at my side, again.

Deepest love,
19/04/2015
 

Day 4 : I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, I rather bear it myself.

Today, the 4th day

I'm totally suffering.

It's the prize giving ceremony for PMR & SPM

giving prize to those who get 5As or above in the both exam

and prizes given by other organization

Students who were going to receive the prize

their parents had been invited to school to watch the ceremony

And, I stepped onto the stage of this ceremony once, in year 2013, when I was in Senior 1, taking my prize by getting 5As in PMR examination

my parent came, of course,

they always proud of my result.

I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be happy.

But, I failed.

because I didn't take my Mandarin exam in SPM as I went to Taiwan

so I only sit for 6 subjects

then I got 4As in my SPM

not because my subjects are lesser

it's because that incident, it affected my mood when I was preparing my exam

so I accidentally got a B1 for my Sejarah

then I've submitted my form to the government to appeal for my Sejarah's result

I hope there's miracle

and my parent totally support me, as always.

I'm still worrying about the result

I really don't want to waste their RM100 and get nothing change but I'm not sure if I did my Sejarah good @@

What if I fail again? Then disappointing my parent again? Disappointing myself again?

What if I success? So what? I still can't get onto the stage anymore.

I'm soooooooooo confused.

In the whole incident, I'm totally regret, for not staying strong and easily been affected by the others

It's my own problem and I know it. I can't blame anyone.

But, I hate him, still.

He's the one who ruined my result, he's the one who get me down for the stage. He's the one.

I know that I'm not suppose to have these opinions,

but how?

He's not a responsible guy, I swear.

The girl being with him now, I hope you'll never get him trouble, otherwise he'll show you how much responsibility he has, to settle down problems. Good luck to you.

Ok, back to topic,

due to the above reasons,

when it comes the prize giving ceremony, today,

it really does torment me. I'm fully suffering from it.

And what's more?

I still need to duty during the ceremony!!

AND! He's the person in charged of the duty!!

So, I'm just like... WTF!!

I should be the one who get onto the stage, but now, I can only watching the others getting the prize

One step, only one little step, then I can step onto the stage again, my parent will be proud of me more, and he ruined everything. He ruined me.

And now, he still want me to duty during the ceremony, 

all I can say is that "Hey, you are such a bitch!"

Moreover!

Few days ago he saw that I wore slippers to school,

my ankle was sprained and my leg was wrapping by bandage

HE KNEW IT!

then he still arrange a post, which can't rest and need to stand for whole 3 hours, for me.

What the hell problem are you having huh?

and even worse, I don't think that he is suitable to be a person in charge

cause I really don't feel like he has explained clearly for the whole duty

such SHIT!

Then, I got no choice and I need to stand for 3 hours

while he, himself, sitting behind, ONLY.

Cause I still need to lead the "VIP" to get on and off the stage

so I even need to walk fast

but the main point is that, my leg still haven't get well wholy yet!!

So, what can I do?

I chose to stress my leg walking faster without bothering the painful feeling

Hence, everyone can imagine,

how's my leg gonna be, after the ceremony end.

My tears almost burst out due to my pain

my leg got totally no energy and no feel in the end,

even a step is that difficult for me.

How can I torture for the whole 3 hours?

I don't know.

I thought of giving up also, many times.

But I kept telling myself,

if I can pass through these,

definitely I can pass through my hardships facing in life,

and everything's gonna be better.

So, that's it.

Standing in front of the stage,

I can see him (of course, not the one again, this refers to the one I love haha)  also, sometimes,

every time when I saw him, I told myself,

I need to be strong, for me and for him.

He's my motivation.

Therefore, suffering from my regret, suffering because of my leg, and so on...

makes my day worse like shit!

------

Then, finally the ceremony passed,

everything went on normally,

lunch time - co-curricular time ( today is the day to capture photo for Prefectorial so I hardly "crawled" the the photo capturing place, another suffer for today @@) - after school.

After school,

I gave the exam notes that I prepaid to him

with his photos and a long letter

I know that he won't reply me and maybe even won't have any feeling towards it

but I still did it, cause I'm really afraid that the "accident" will happen

I need to tell the truth, I don't want myself to regret in the future.
I know, it's the last time I bother him,

cause I have already no courage.

then, from his expression, I can't get what was he thinking about

He even made my friend to give my file back to me after that

cause I put all those things in a transparent file

Why need to be like this? Idk.

Then when I was waiting my dad to come at the Shell Petrol Station

I saw him, at the opposite,

walking towards Pudu LRT Station's direction with his friends

I think, I can only watch him from far far away, like this, in the future.

It really made me sad.

Should us be like this?

------

Another little story, happened after school also

when I sit on the staircase outside Prefectorial Room

because my leg was pain and I felt lazy to walk,

his younger sister and her friend walking towards me.

Her friend said something to her in front of me,

saying that "Your brother's girlfriend....."

and then she repeated it again also, calling me "my brother's girlfriend"

.

.

.

That moment,

I know I should tell her that, "Sorry, I'm not (anymore)."

but I didn't.
I don't have the courage to tell it out

I really don't willing to say this.

Please, I still looking forward to the day, when I don't need to tell this, don't need to worry about how to answer "these" anymore

cause we are being together, as usual, as what the others know.

Owwww please, please bring me that day/

:(

------

Ok, focal point for today, 

here I go.

When I went back home,

I tweeted a tweet on twitter about a guy who treat me good enough, cause we are best friend, pure best friend, everyone knows.

Afterwards I think of this, "Will he be jealous?"

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Actually I know, even before I tweeted it,

he may get jealous 

and after I tweeted it, our relationship may be worsen.

But why still I tweet it?

Throw back to the day when he broken up with me, he is that sad,

but neither I dropped a drop of tears

I even told him to be happy, personally, and also on social network publicly.

Why?

1st reason : I really want him to be happy.  <-- div="" important="" most="" point="">

2nd reason : I want his friends, or even anyone, think that I'm the one who broke up with him

Again, why?

I still remembered that, he tweeted a tweet that night,

and it's about,

he knew that he was going to be seen as a villain, a bad person.

And, I don't want this to happen,

cause I know how worse the feeling is, to be misunderstood by others, saying that I'm a bad person

Once, I'm really depress about it and I really don't want to be a bad person in others' sight

but at that moment,

I don't want him to be what I don't want to be, so I rather bear it myself.

In their opinion, I'm always a bad girl, so please continue,

don't make him as a bad person,

one bad person is enough, for a relationship.

So, I even don't dare to post some "deeply sad" tweet 

I tried to make my posts seem happy

like I'm ok even breaking up with him

like I'm the one who hurt him

and, for today's tweet

at first I only want to say that I'm touched

but then i thought of, it can also make some of the peoples think that I'm not a loyal girl

then just loathes me.

It's non of his business. It's me.

I don't want him to suffer from unbearable words.

It's unfair.

I love him,

I don't want him to suffer.

So, 

God,

please be good to him,

no matter how you treat me, I have no grumble.

Best wishes, for you,

18/04/2015

Day 3 : What are you going to tell me if this is the last time you see me?

"What are you going to tell me if this is the last time you see me? "

This is not the first time I asked this question
the last time when I asked this is on November 2014, the day before I went to Taiwan
because air disasters often happened during that period
so it made me curious about this
then I asked.

For now, I wish to ask this again, especially HIM

The reason is as folow :

These days I always dream, especially for this 2-3 days
my dreams are just like a drama
when I awake, then it paused
and it continue automatically in the next night
at first, I don't actually know what's the dream talking about
I just remember that I talked to someone in the dream but I can't see it clearly who he/she is
in our conversation
the person said that :"After your road accident happened..."
Even "me" in the dream just answer him/her without feeling weird
my mind is still working and I still remember that moment my mind was asking
"What the hell car accident that I had?!"

Then, last night,
the dream continued,
and it went even clear.
"Me" in the dream is the future "me" in year 2016 or 2017
The story is that,
I had a serious car accident within a week breaking up with him
and I just get into coma situation after that, for more than 1 year ( almost 2 years I think)
After I get well, everything changed, of course.
I told one of my friends ( I think he/she is my friend lol cause I can't see him/her clearly also) that I still feel like breaking up with him is just a week ago
I still love him, very very much, after 1 year ++
Then I meet him, in the dream
I asked him, "If I said I want to get back together with you at 2 years ago, will you promise me?"
the question is deeply "printed" into my mind
but I'm sad that I can't remember his answer :(

There are many sayings pointed out that
things/incidents that we dreamed can always happen in the real life
and we dreamed that as a prediction/
For myself instead, few of my dreams came into real life before also
so, I'm worrying about this
Actually, I'm not scared
because I always believe that
WHAT HAD BEEN PLANNED TO HAPPEN, HAPPEN.
Just,
I believe that I will be feeling very badly
as I'm not able to talk to him ( I mean like how we used to be, not hi-bye style talking ) before the accident
What if he didn't love me in the future, a year plus?
Time changes things. What if time grab his love from me?
So on, how about my friends? My family? My study?
.
.
.

Hence,
even my friends, when they heard about my dream,
they are worrying about me too.
My friend who walked with me to the Pudu Bus Station today,
she don't dare to simply cross the road because I'm there haha
actually it's a bit touching
but I still worry about something bad will happen @@

Therefore, I really feel like want to ask him,
what is he going to tell me if it's the last time he see me?
Will he say he love me? or what?
I still looking forward to hear that "I love you" from him again

My friends, who are reading this post now,
can you kindly please tell me also,
what are you all going to tell me if it's the last time you see me?

Let's speak our words out!
Who knows what's going to happen in the future?
Don't wait until that's no chance again, and regret?

If, I mean if, my dream really come true,
please help me to show him my blog,
I want to tell him that,
I ALWAYS LOVE HIM.
and I'll find a chance to tell him this also, maybe.
I will try my best
cause "regret" is not allow in my life :)


-----

And there's a little "add on" for today
The photo that I lost it yesterday
it's happy to tell that
I FOUND IT!
actually it's not me who found that and I don't know how it appeared again
but I really want to thank the one who found it for me
and those who searched it for me yesterday
You all are just so lovely,
love ya.

God, is it your signal for me? I believe it is.
Please bring him back to my side,
I love him.


Lastly, Good luck to me!


Love,
17/04/2015

Day 2 : The always best man in my heart

Ok,soon, it comes day 2.
Today is not my day.

Once, I thought I can be that optimistic
even if he's not mine again
because I didn't cry
not even a drop of tears
But, it soon comes the worst by today.

In the morning, I took my van to school as usual
walked towards school from the Shell petrol station as usual also
then I carelessly sprained my ankle of the same leg for the second time
just because I didn't noticed a little pipe on the floor
Luckily, I still have a little fortune I think
It's not that serious
just having terribly pain for awhile
and my day goes on as usual again...

During 1st recess time
I found out that my very very best friend didn't come to school
and I don't even know why
She seemed well in the day before
without her, I know, I should be even more independent by today
Then, I went to the JE Center to finish some little stuffs
of course, just me, myself.

Afterwards when I "crawled" back to my class
I backed and sit at my place
Lie my head down on the table
watching people walk around from the window
By that time, my "neighbor" was busy doing her work
and I just felt like don't wanna do anything
Just, staring outside

And soon, I "immersed" into my own world
without bothering what was happening in the class
Again, memories flashback to those days
he carried me on his back,
and the smile, bright smile, on OUR face
it's always happy to be with him, always.

Finally, I got into the "breaking up" mood
I felt like crying, or maybe bleeding,
but it's just all happening in my heart

After recess, it comes Economy class, if I'm not mistaken.
I totally can't concentrate on my class
I know what's the teacher teaching about
roughly know the contents
but I just unable to digest it
my mind filled with memories, those PERFECT memories.

I knew I couldn't be like that
because I have promised myself to be better
to live my life with smile
So, I started to find some ways to express my sadness
I called my "neighbor" sitting behind to hold his tumbler for me to punch ( as he is from Wushu Society, so I think it's not a big deal for him haha )
Then, I shake his tumbler and made water droplets "moisturizing" his books
I tried to find something fun to do, to play around
What's lucky is that I recovered my mood as soon as I played with my funny "neighbors"
really glad to have them to sit around
they always bring me lots of fun and craziness

Then, it comes to Mathematics class, again @@
I took his photo out, which I always kept it inside my little note book
I put it inside a little bag which is transparent
and I planned to give it back to him tomorrow
but, unfortunately, some little incidents happened
I LOST the photo :(
my friends play with it then passed it around then it lost
at first I'm not that sad cause I thought they are only playing with me
then when I realized that it really lost
I'm a bit nervous
but I still thought that it can be found back because it's really impossible for something to disappear in a sudden
I called few of my friends to find it for me
then 2nd recess passed, 2 more classes passed, and finally it comes to after school time
but, the photo still didn't appear
I LOST IT!
I'm not only sad because of it, I still feel so sorry to him
it's belong to him, not mine, but I lost it :(
How can I, a careless one, could be trusted again?

After I walked everywhere to look for it but to no avail
I totally gave up, hopeless, despair.
It really means a lot to me
cause I simply think that
I lost it...like how I lost him, like how he went out of my life
what if I can found it?
Is it simply means that we will be getting back together?
what if I can't found it, like now?
So is it means that we won't be getting back together anymore?
Is it a signal from God, telling me to let go of him?
Then, finally I cried.
Not burst out, but my tears came out slowly
I tried to control them but failed
HOPELESS.
Till now, I still feeling hopeless.
I really hope that miracle will happen tomorrow
God, please make miracle,
please tell me that we still have a chance between us, PLEASE.

Then, I went back home by taking taxi
cause I don't want to worsen my leg's situation
since I still have to play basketball during tomorrow's PE class
and it's gonna to be counted as exam marks
So, I need to take good care of it tonight @@
At first, I planned to wait for taxi with Kai Qi
but she suddenly can't accompany me
I'm disappointed also, but then I let her go,
like what I did yesterday,
cause I know, one day in the future I need to be more independent though
So....that's it.
I know that I'm growing up, day by day.

And, the most important things for today,
as my title written, he's the always best man for me
Why said so?

Today, it's the day he went for the preliminary 5000m race
I knew it yesterday night
as my classmate posted a name list of participants
then I saw his name, as what I predicted.
After hesitating for a period of time
I've made my decision to wish him through Whatsapp
I don't know if he needs my encouragement or not
but I did it.
Then, after school, as I bring along my sadness,
walking down the staircase, I met him.
He smiled towards me. So do I.
then I wish him again
then we simply talked for awhile.

But, seriously, I was worrying about him for a day
worried about his asthma
cause I know how suffer is it when having asthma
and he was gonna run for at least 35 laps, in estimating 45 minutes ( 1 minit 15 seconds per lap )
I already felt like dying when I heard this
How could he dare to do so?
But, I trust him.
Just because, it's him.
I just want him to take good care of himself, then that's it.

After I went back my home,
one of my friends asked me,
"Don't you planned to ask him about the result?"
I think, no need.
It simply because,
to me, he's always the BEST,
I trusted that he had done his very best performance
and no matter what's the result is,
HE WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ONE, BEST MAN, IN MY HEART.
No doubts.

Thanks God,
that you're safe, healthy, still.
and finished your "challenge" successfully
Today is not my day,
but I hope it's yours.

Once again, thanks God.


With love,
16/04/2015

Day 1 : Do it by myself!

Today...

it's the first day he's not mine, AGAIN.

Everything seems alright

like nothing happened

We are not couple anymore, for now

but I really hope that we can be friend

I mean BEST FRIEND like we used to be

cause even if we are being together

I still always memories flashback to those days

when we can play around together

tell each other our "little secret"

He know me, and so do I.
And, those days when I call him "handsome" even if I don't really admit it that time haha
( but I admit it now, deeply)
then we always joked about how match are we if we could become couple

So, I want those days back

I don't want us to be far apart upon breaking up

But, it seems hard, or impossible, maybe

today when we suddenly met up in school

I really want to talk to him

but I can felt the awkward 

between me and him.

I really don't want us to be like this

please, can we be better?

From yesterday night till now

few of my friends asked me "Did you cry?"

and the answer is ...NO, I didn't

But why?

maybe I should say "I don't know" lol

Definitely I'm sad deep inside my heart

but I act like nothing

so, I'm okay.

But, as I feel okay all the time

maybe it's not the truth

cause I'm really sad also.

I get into daydreaming during my Mathematics class

I thought back those days

you were kind and sweet

we hold our hand, tight, and promised,

won't giving up on others no matter what...

I think of how I planned his birthday

and he fetched me back in late night...

He put me at the first priority and protected me even if he's scare also

Those days,

he was once my man.

Then, what's next?

My eye filled with tears

but in the end, I didn't cry also

I need to smile

because I still don't believe that this is the end

it's not our ending 

we deserve more, I believe in it.

I know, he still love me

so I can wait

wait for the day we both become better and get back together

But, my insecurity scared me still

What if he didn't love me again in the future?

What if he finally let go on me?

I don't know.

I just hope myself to become a better girl

and love him even more

I want him to love me, like how we used to be.

And what's most important for today is that

I let Jeang Herng to leave me alone at the bus stop

then he went back home first

It pretty means that...

I'm growing up!

I'm taking a giant step to be better!

Now I know

I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF!

Soon, I will love you with a better me.

And now, I'm going to prepare exam notes, for him and for me

Exam is coming soon

and I know

this time we can't fight together

I miss those days when we encourage each other for examination

and I wake him up in the midnight to study

and he did the same to me.

I always made him to memories exam's thingies
It's really a hard period

but it's sweet because he is there for me and I know it.

This time,

I know we can hardly be like that again

but I will still try my best to help him

as I mentioned in my last post

I always wish him the best in life no matter what

and I will try my best to make him the better one

Good luck for him!

Lastly for today,

little quote for myself, which I learned during the English period

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence"

So, I always believe that

we can walk even far by holding each other's hand

I will try my best to chase after perfection

and love him, as always.

I love you, my dear.

15/04/2015

The Little Valentine's Day in April 2015

These day, many of my friends asked me :
"How are you both doing?"
"Are you okay?"
"Broken up?"
"Problems settled?"

And ... All I want to say is that
I'm not going to answer any of these questions
cause many incidents just can't be describe by using words
It's just all about FEELINGS

But why am I here?
I'm going to apologize ...
even if I had already sent him few apologize messages
I just think that I need to write it down here
not for him to see it or what
just, I hope that when I recall this back in the future,
no matter who is by my side, or even no one,
I really don't want myself, a stupid idiot i think, to repeat the same mistake again ...

If you ask me, I will definitely admit that,
Once, I think of breaking up with him though
I dislike the way he beat about the bush
cause I always think that there's no secret between us
I dislike the way he judge me
even if he heard my story, he judged me in a heart-pain way.
But in the end, I'm sad, I'm depressed
cause I know I really did wrongly.

I'm soooooooooooo sorry, my beloved one.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future
but by now, I'm really appreciate
I'm always appreciate every little moments being with him
cause he is such a SPECIAL one in my entire life
But, I dissapointed him, I hurt him. I know I did.

He suffered because of ME
seems, he's sad, he's depressed, too.
and even, he cried because of ME
It's no denying that having someone ( especially boy ) who will cry for you is so loving
and he's the one, the SPECIAL one.

During these days,
sometimes I feel like ...
I seemed not that in love with him, maybe only 50%
the "love feeling" decrease as days go on and on
as I used to fulfill my days with bright smile without him

But, today,
when he asked about my leg, which I sprained my ankle
It touches me deeeeeeeeeeeeply
my heart feels so warm
because it's him who asked me that
I really love the way how we talk to each other like nothing happened
I miss those days when we always joke and play around like no one is around
then I told myself :"Hey! Admit it!"
Ya, I admit it.
I miss him. I miss us. I miss the lovely couple which used to make every of our friends feeling like ants coming
I love him. Yes, I love him, from the deepest of my heart.
I wish he's the one, the only one, the most special one ...

And today, 14th April 2015
Don't know if I should counted it as our fourth month or not
it's a little valentine's day
I hope he can be by my side, but he didn't.
I know, it's my fault, it's what I should face.
Thankfully, my little wish came true by today
he asked about my pain
he's not around but I can felt that his heart is around
( I hope my feeling didn't goes wrong @@ )

And, I'm really thankful to have him in my life
even if he didn't love me now
even if I don't know what will be going on in the future
even if I'm not his girl
even if he's not going to forgive me
and so on.

I'm just here to thank him
for teaching me how to face problems in life
he gave me the courage
Thank him for leading me to smile towards my life even if facing turbulence

Maybe, he lost his happiness because of me
but I really hope him the very best one in life

Hey! My beloved one!
All I wanted to say is that
I'm really sorry.
I hope that you can face your life with bright smile too.
I will always be there for you no matter what
or even if I'm not your girl again
Please stay happy, stay health,
and take good care of yourself,
always remember to drive safely, please.

And what's most important,
I LOVE YOU
still.

Happy April's Valentine's Day!

14/04/2015

那个晚上后的 14 天 终于懂了 也终于哭了

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